Herophine - Short Stories

Confused By After

'I don't know what you want from me, you say act cool then you say you feel like I don't care? What the hell am I meant to be doing Jo, this shit isn't easy to navigate ya know especially with all your rules?'

'I.... I don't have an answer to that. I just hate how we have to pretend but force some sort of chemistry for fans. I wish we could just be us, the version of us that doesn't have to put on an act or smile awkwardly for cameras like something is going on but not. I don't know if I can do this anymore Hero, it's exhausting!'

'So what? You want to stop, you're giving up on us this far in After everything we' ve done to make this work. What the fuck Jo!'.

'No, that's not what I'm saying. I just need some time to figure this out with all the virtual interviews and promo I can't think straight. Am I Jo the costar with the awkward crush or Jo the girlfriend, I can't separate the two anymore and it's making my head spin. Anna already said we were giving off signs of more than the awkward vibe. It's so much pressure Hero'. She sobs down the line, my heart aches at the upset all of this is causing. I wish I could see her, hold her and reassure her we can and will do this. I hope to fuck we'll be ok in the end but right now her worries are the same as my own even if I had chosen not to voice them.

The irony of Who Do you want to be is not lost on me as I refrain from being the guy I actually want to be due to contractual commitments and promises. This was all meant to be so easy, first lead, focus, smash it and hope for a 2nd movie. Granted I got my wish and the sequel is filmed and ready but inside I'm dying at all the fucking hiding and secrets. I know who I want to be I just can't act upon it until atleast 2022. Time flys usually but when you're sat waiting on a date the days drag slower than normal, knowing in 2 years I can give her what she needs from me is like a life time away right now.

Keeping my head down and sleeping away the days is only making me moody, it seemed ideal when counting down to the end of that bloody contract but it's not productive at all which is a silent killer for me, I need to be doing something, anything to keep my mind busy and my heart from aching. This fucking virus hasn't helped, before I could sneak away and spend my free time with her, locked away in our own world but I haven't held her for months and my god I crave to touch her and feel her warm inviting lips on mine. I'm done for, this woman captivated me from day one and my feelings have only grown stronger but sometimes I feel that everything around us is set out to stop us actually being together.

'Look, get some sleep. Don't stress baby. We always figure it out and just know that I am here with you. Stop fighting me OK' I whisper as soothingly as I can and her sobs subside slightly. I know she is finding this hard as am I but her erratic tendency to flip isn't helping either of us. Never did I imagine I would be the level headed one in this pairing but I like that I can calm her when a storm is brewing inside her.

'I know you're right, I'm just tired, anxious and I really miss you. Sleep will help. I'm sorry for being a witch and yelling Hero. Speak to you tomorrow. Night night' she softly sighs as she hangs up. She sleeps when I'm awake, I sleep when she's awake. This really is a fucking challenge but I don't want it to end, she is worth the middle of the night calls amd dark circles forming around my eyes luckily it worked in my favour for The Silencing, make up hardly touched me due to the sleepy appearance I was donning.

I kick of the quilt and decide to make the most of today, that call was heavy for 6am and I need to up my mood. Man I wish Diesel was here with his silly grin and wagging tail, he always made a shit situation better. We'd go out for hours, walk, run even jump in random streams we came across but nothing is the same without him, I wouldn't replace him either not with all the crazyness that comes with After. In all honesty I probably don't have the time to give a new pup so I better get used to going it alone, a walk will clear my head. As soon as I push open the door the cool air hits my face, it's refreshing but chilly. Bloody London weather but then I guess it's nearly Autumn. My pace quickens down the empty street, hoping to find a destination before people start their commutes to work and school or wherever they need to be. I'm in no head space to be the 'polite actor from that film' today. That's one of the hardships that tag along with acting, we all have bad days but when your on screen your expected not to. You must always be the happy, cheery guy that stops for photos when your head is buzzing with your own drama. It's hard to switch off and smile sometimes so this time of day is my favourite, nobody cares who I am at 6am.