one day i began to think

lost what i loved the most..

I don't even know what to do.. what to say.. what to write..

I come home in shambles and soaked in my own tears and relive everything that just happened in the last couple of hours.. and at this point I just want to find a way to make my brain shut off so I can have a break.. 

I barely made it up my porch stairs.. and still sobbed as I made my way inside and to the kitchen. I couldn't get myself to calm down as my mom entered the room after hearing my whaling. I had to lie.. lie about what was wrong so that I didn't set off my parents and ruin any chances of getting back together soon.. I just said it was a bad argument.. and right now we just aren't talking to each other.. I kept telling her how much I messed up.. and her response was that he'll forgive me.. and by tomorrow morning it'll be fine.. but tomorrow.. tomorrow is got now.. and all that did was make me collapse on the floor and cry harder into the carpet, regardless of who could hear or how I looked or sounded. I wanted to believe her.. but i can't. 

as I got to my room.. I sat and tried to compose myself.. I couldn't. I found myself repeating "I can't.. I can't". Then I just started saying "God.. God please.. help me".. I began the pray that maybe it'll go okay.. if I just leave it for now.. give it a little bit of time.. maybe it's not the end.. maybe my mom isn't all wrong.. maybe it's just bad right now and I have to just be patient a little longer.. maybe it can get better and right now is just so intense in the moment and once we come back to our senses that we realize.. that we realize.. 

but all of that comes crashing down when I think of how embarrassing it looked when I held onto him for dear life and begged and cried and just hoped that he wasn't going to just let it happen.. and remember how upset he looked at me when I pleaded to his eyes.. how he raised his voice.. and how much I tried to hold back how much it hurt and triggered me just to get him to stay.. oh how I can't stand myself for that.. I want to pretend it never happened.. but I can't seem to push it out.. 

so now.. I'm left to my own thoughts.. regrets.. hopeful yet hopeless.. I don't know what to do next.. I want to do what's right to get him back as soon as possible.. but I don't know how willing he is to that idea.. it only seemed to push him away.. so now i'm wondering if maybe.. I just need.. to move on.. 

maybe that's what he wants.. 

maybe that's what he's wanted for a while now.. and I've been on thin ice unknowingly.. having no idea I'd be at fault for the one thing I never..ever.. wanted.. 

so now.. now I just.. idk.. respect what he asks of me.. try to improve.. try to go on.. keep my distance while trying to be involved.. or just.. letting it be.. letting him go.. giving up.. giving in.. try to forget.. I could try.. I just don't want to.. but maybe he's right and it's just for the best.. idk.. I hope he's wrong.. but i won't make it worse by trying to convince him that anymore.. I don't want any more damage.. I don't know what to do.. I just want that future.. I want to have those plans we had.. and I just die at the thought that i won't have that anymore.. but hope that it doesn't end this way.. I didn't want it to end at all..

I guess we'll see how it all goes. hope for the best.. but expect the worst..