one day i began to think

alone time

yknow.. I'm actually doing a lot better than I thought I would be..

I know it's really only been a day.. and obviously I don't like what happened.. but I thought I would be miserable and unable to hold myself together.. I cried a lot yesterday.. enough to vocalize my pain during my sobs.. but now that I've had time to sit back and let it set in.. it hurts.. but I've had a lot to think about.. a lot I didn't really realize while distracted with how upset I was..

now, I've been able to gather up enough thoughts to come up with two paths/plans of action.. still in the process of the making though.. today I might feel okay and have a good time and laugh and be free, but I have no idea what tomorrow will be and how I'll feel when I wake up.. maybe I'll...

___

I kid you not when I say I starting writing this last night, and only was cut off because my friend was waiting for me in the street to pick me up so we could have a good night.. and I did, I had a great night, even I screamed my lungs out to songs with passion, like I love to do. and.. I didn't cry at all. I even tried to. I barely have in the last 36 hours.. and it's a huge accomplishment to me honestly.. it means I'm healing.. it means i'm going to be okay, even when my world came crashing down.. I was able to pick myself back up, doll myself up, and not shed a single tear in the process.. I was.. proud. proud of me. 

so I began to write what is above last night. having the realization that I am able to be happy by myself.. make myself better all on my own.. that means I could do it with someone as well.. but to be honest, I had yet to think about that part.. I was just happy that.. I was happy. it's weird how I said that maybe I'll wake up the next morning and my whole mood will change.. it's weird how I said that.. it's almost like I knew.

because when I woke up this morning.. there was something waiting for me. I didn't expect it at all.. I didn't know how to react. my heart throbbed against my chest and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. my entire body went numb as I looked into this discovery. I was afraid to continue. I didn't know if it was going to be good for me.. maybe.. maybe it was going to be something that only tore the last bits of hope in me hanging on, maybe it was going to convince me of every negative intrusive thought about how it might've all been a lie.. never really happy.. never really loved.. and like last summer I'd feel so stupid for putting so much of myself into one person..

but.. I couldn't resist.. maybe it was going to be bad.. hurt me more.. kill me from the inside out and directly aim for the heart. but.. maybe it can be closure.. maybe.. it could be my sign on which path to choose.. maybe it was enough to encourage me to make a decision that I felt was right this time.. no talking about it.. no open-mind.. just how I feel and how I wouldn't change my mind.. like he did to me. 

so I read.. and as I did, my eyes teared, they were close.. I felt the frown grow onto my lips, I felt the sadness.. I felt the heartache.. but I didn't cry. I didn't break down.. I didn't collapse at the words.. how shockingly well they were said and what they envisioned for me. I hadn't thought about the moment in since yesterday morning.. and this drew me back to it. 

regardless.. I got up this morning, made myself presentable. wore a really cute.. yet athletic outfit, and got ready to have a great time this early morning. 

but.. my mind was still elsewhere.. though I was fine, I was happy and having a good time in a great environment. again I was laughing.. I was jumping around in excitement. no one would ever suspect what happened.. I didn't let it show, and I didn't have to work that hard to hide it.. there wasn't much to hide or have to put on a happy face- it was already there. the only way someone else knew was if they were told.. and not by me. i haven't lied to anyone yet about the status.. I just didn't think in a place where I was having so much fun already would be a good time to let down everyone's spirits.. especially mine. I know its over, and by not saying anything now isn't my way of holding on to it and pretending there's still.. us. I just don't know how to say something. it's not that I'm afraid or feel ashamed that's the truth for us now.. I honestly just feel like I'm okay.. I don't need to talk about it. I don't need the hug, a shoulder to cry on, right now anyway.. it's not that bad. if they ask, I'll tell them. If they don't.. I guess eventually I'll say something..

but maybe.. I wont have to... I'm not holding onto that hope..

so my mind trailed.. I was physically present, I was participating and talking just fine. but, my mind buzzed with the paragraphs that gave me mixed emotions. in one hand, I want to believe.. I want to think that I'm doing something worth acknowledging and want to prove myself worthy of a second.. third chance.. that this time was something needed. to remind me and maybe even him how great we were together.. and these experiences of fighting and this time apart is only going to make us grow.. if.. we take each other back.. and on the other hand.. I feel.. left out, I feel like it was almost unfair.. how was I supposed to know.. there was nothing that I was told about.. nothing revealed to me.. nothing I knew to change.. nothing brought to my attention about specifically me to improve.. and the one time it was.. it was like this.. it was dumped on me at the very end.. and as I begged to make it better, I just made things worse. I finally was told what I was doing wrong and I was able to admit to myself that it wasn't just something in my head or something that wasn't hurting him.. so when he finally told me, I knew it was something to be fixed and it gave me the motivation to do so.. but he didn't give me a second thought to even show him how willing I was.. all he showed me was how much he wasn't.. 

like I said at the beginning of this.. I've had a lot to think about in a good amount of time.. I was torn between two roads.. one with light out of the tunnel, something ready to embrace me, and it'll be everything I imagined to be happy again.. to continue being happy. or, there's this dark tunnel of uncertainty.. or regrets.. of an inner battle with myself whether I did what I wanted or I did what was right. I first need to figure out which path is assigned to a decision.. 

and then I have to pick which one to walk down. 

_____

it rained today.. it was amazing. 

I stood in it for a while. I didn't cry at the thoughts that entered my mind, of moments I wanted to share with my person.. instead I enjoyed the feel of the soft rain gliding down the skin on my face and body. how nice it felt to appreciate this bliss I had by myself.