one day i began to think

the journals.

I read it.. I read it all.. it was so much, it was reliving it all over again.. but I had to do it.. I have to prove this point.. and it had to start with reading everything I wrote down on these pages..

 I haven't cried like this for a while. I hid these journals just so I wouldn't have to go through any of this again.. but I did. I did it anyway.. God, it hurts.. the details I gave.. thinking it was all okay.. being some sort of happy with him.. I was so stupid. I can't believe I had a mindset like that.. it's just absolutely frightening. I wasn't human.. I wasn't a person, I was just.. numb.. just.. a toy. nothing.. just like he told me, I was nothing. 

I had to.. I had to.. this was important.. it's okay.. it is.. I'm fine.. except I can't stop crying and I've been shaking for an hour now.. and I don't know why but just imagining it all over again.. seeing the dates in my mind, being able to picture the exact memory.. it just.. kills me..

this hurts a lot right now, and I pushed it away for a while.. for a few years actually.. but I had a realization that maybe that wasn't good for me because.. I was just blocking out, not solving anything.. 

so I had to do it now.. when it mattered the most.. it just hurts, it just makes my break a little bit.. it makes me feel like progress was erased.. especially with my situation right now.. 

I'm okay.. I know I am.. I know I'm well better off.. I'm someone completely different know and.. he doesn't know me.. he doesn't know me at all.. he's slumping into being a complete slob.. and I'm.. 

I'm.. alone. I have no safety anymore.. anything to brag about how well off and how well i'm treated now.. how I finally have someone who truly loves me..

right.. anyway..  like I said, I'm okay. and it can only get better..

_____

this one was a lot of damage, but you have to break down completely before building yourself up to be the best you can be.. right? yes.. I did the right thing.