one day i began to think

strangers again

Well.. I'll be honest.. I don't really know what to write.. 

I haven't really expressed my emotions here in a while and.. I've had so much happen with me recently that I don't even know where to start.

I don't want to really write a tangent, nor do I have the energy or even time as I have to wake up early for my last show tomorrow afternoon.. but, I'll start with tonight.

Tonight I felt.. good. I felt pretty confident in myself. I was enjoying my time on the stage with the lights on me, the laughter in the crowd, all the hugs and praised I received when mingling in the audience. A lot of people came out to see me tonight and it made me feel.. happy.

But in the midst of it all.. I saw you. I saw you a few weeks ago too, and I'll admit that I might've been a little immature when trying my hardest to act like your presence was non existent. I tried to do what I could to not look your way or lock eyes. But.. in all honesty I was too preoccupied worrying about what I was doing in that moment and my day that didn't revolve around you to really care what would happen if I really did acknowledge you.

But tonight.. I don't know. I really don't. When I heard you were there it really did nothing to me. I wasn't nervous, nor was I afraid I wouldn't impress you. In fact, all my response was "hope he enjoys the show then". Then I also heard you wore those skinny jeans again, and I'm sorry but I laughed. Not necessarily the style I imagined you in or saw you in when I was with you but.. alright. I saw glimpses of you as you stood with your family for a while, congratulating your sisters and taking pictures- as was I with all the friends I was either surprised with or intentionally invited to the show tonight. I caught you though.. or, I guess I could be wrong but.. I saw as you would side eye me. Try to steal a glance at me without it being noticeable by me or anyone really. But I caught your eyes on me a few times.. and.. honestly.. it just made me sad.

I realized then that.. it's a little heart breaking that we ended up like this. Broken up and avoiding each other from across the room.. without any decency to even tell me that I did a good job tonight. I wasn't looking for it from you though.. so I guess it's not even worth mentioning. 

But still.. when we were together I would imagine that moment of what it would be like for me to get the lead, be thrilled to have my boyfriend in the crowd, him approach me with a bouquet of flowers- hug- and kiss, we'd take pictures, we'd go out to eat with our families, and he'd tell me just how lucky he was to have me as his girlfriend. 

you.. you were supposed to do all of that. but.. you kind of.. ruined that. why'd you have to go and do that?

Instead of having you cling to me as I was congratulated, watched as I glowed in the moment, and looked as me as proud as ever. I mingled alone, I did it all by myself with no one to kiss from the excitement or be able to call themselves lucky to have a girlfriend like me.. I talked to my people as you talked to your family. 

We are strangers. 

I wonder what you were thinking.. I wonder if your blood was boiling with hatred of seeing me in general.. seeing me on stage successful, or did you want to tell me I did good but didn't know how good of an idea it was, or did you simply not care and weren't concerned with me at all and now I seem.. stupid for writing all of this up tonight.. 

I don't know.. I kind of hope it just is that you didn't care. it rests my mind a lot easier that way to realize it was just in my head and easy to.. forget.

Now, on the way home from the show.. I was listening to some songs from the soundtrack of Grease and singing a long with it and everything was fine until.. I randomly bursted into tears. 

I was absent minded in that moment.. nothing even happened for me to cry.. I wasn't even thinking of anything sad.. I just did. A few tears strolled down my face as I sang to the lyrics of "Hopelessly Devoted to You". I was just.. puzzled.. as to why I felt emotional enough to shed some tears. Maybe I'm just stressed from this week? Sad that tomorrow will be the last show for play and graduation is just creeping up on me? Or.. that I saw the guy I used to want on my arm tonight, but knew it would never be that way again? 

I don't know.. 

Oh well.. I'm tired and need to sleep. 

Thank you for listening.

Goodnight.

-Belle