one day i began to think

when life throws 100 wrenches

hi.

yeah.. it's been a minute. 

and actually, i shouldn't be writing on here right now. i have five 2-page papers due at 11:59pm, at least a months worth of late work due next week, overdue rent for the month of december, and my entire apartment to pack. 

but i'm panicking. like room spinning, chest deflating, hands uncontrollably shaking, can only see big picture and feel so small panicking.  

but.. i probably seem like an entirely different person now to this app. unrecognizable.. maybe i like it that way. but to catch you up to speed:

- i started seeing my brothers' best friend. who i had a crush on since i was probably 9 years old but knew it was a pipe dream with him. i suppose i was wrong once we reconnected when we were grown up.

- alissa and i aren't friends anymore. or brandon. i lost them. my family stuff became too much, she couldn't handle it and i didn't cope well and tried to take her down with me. it didn't work out, i try not to think of it much.

- dain found out chance and i were.. "together". he threw us out of his house and didn't speak to us for months. faith either. we've made up after a while and lots of talking, but he's my brother, we weren't willing to let go of family over it. him and chance aren't friends anymore though. 10 years of friendship are gone. i know it's my fault, and i carry that burden everyday. 

- my health got worse. i was diagnosed with a few heart conditions. but specifically tachycardia, causes me to pass out from my heart rate spiking. eventually leads to heart failure. my heart is failing. i've had two heart monitors now and will probably go on meds to help my heart rate. if that doesn't work than we will look into stint surgery to prevent any heart attacks or strokes. my history of bad health and genetics got me to this, but the doctors said stress is whats making it worse. if i don't stop, i won't make it to 50.

- my dad tried to kill my mom last year. right before christmas. he said he'd get off of meth if my mom recanted her statement. he also threatened her that if she tried to leave him or get him in trouble i wouldn't be able to go to school anymore. she stayed so i could continue college. he didn't get off of it, he lashed out again. my mom finally left. he's harassed us all, said i'm the reason he's going to kill himself, and got his whole side of the family to agree with that statement and then turn on us. i haven't spoken to that side of the family in months.

- my mom has her own case against him for the physical and emotional abuse he's done to her over the years that we tried to keep quiet.. from everyone. and those i told, never stayed. how could i blame them. 

- her legal team wants to open one up for me for what he's done to me and the harassment he's done since my mom left him. i didn't want to, but when i constantly have the thought of him killing himself and me being the reason in my head.. it's hard to just go about my life without feeling like bit of a murderer. which sounds dramatic, but i've always been there for my parents. he's my dad, and i love him, but i can't with the messages everyday. this is the best way to get a criminal protective order in place. that's all i want.

- andi dropped out of school and moved back home. i got a new roommate. a guy. everything was fine until he evidently started having intense feelings for me. he helped take care of me with my condition, and we shared all the same friends. but he became controlling, possessive. wouldn't let me hang out with or see people anymore. would rush home after work or class to be with me even if i was completely healthy and fine. we started fighting a little bit, it got intense. to the point where friends had to break us up before it got too physical. i've never yelled at anyone like that before. i hated that feeling. it was the way my parents fought. and i wasn't even dating the guy. i wasn't ANYTHING with the guy but being his roommate. he revealed he w as in love with me, and he's been suicidal for however long and being around me finally made him happy. but after our big blowout fight on halloween, he wanted to kill himself again. 

- chance and i did "break up", even though nothing was ever official. but we started talking again after i had my first hearing against my dad. we've been.. slightly communicating since. lots of on and off. mostly me that's off. i choose to blow him off sometimes to establish space. even though it's the exact opposite of what i want to do, but i like to keep my cool and collective facade and if i can't, i dip. he's been working non-stop anyway, so didn't leave much room to get close again. but since he farms and it got cold out again, we started talking more. he visited me in ames for the first time in months. it was like we never stopped. he told me how much he missed me, what i am to him, he even asked me to move with him if he got the job in dubuque he applied for. of course, it was while we were drunk.. so i took it as lightly as possible. still though.. it's hard to deny that we can keep away from one another, but neither of us want to do anything other than be with the other as we are right now. regardless, my roommate came home and saw chance. threw a fit and disappeared for three days. turned off his location and stopped talking to everyone. we could only assume he went and attempted. 

- i decided then i have to get out. so i applied to dmacc. talked with my advisor at isu, she said i could go online for the semester and then come back in the fall like nothing happened. save money, work on my physical and mental health, etc. so i'm moving back home with my mom for 8 months. save money for a new place in ames when i come back. hopefully finish out my last year with a breeze. that's the plan.

 it's just.. fucking scary. and stressful.

i have to leave jeneva, my best friend. i have to leave ames and go back to waterloo after i finally escaped to start my life over from the shit hole i was raised in. i have to go backwards so i can have a real future and finish college with a degree for a good job. 

for the first time in my life, i feel like i've hit rock bottom. i really do. everything is crumbling around me and i'm walking around with my tail between my legs trying to dodge the debris. but i'm constantly drowning in the dust of the fall. i can't breathe. i can't see. i'm just left to suffocate, suffer a slow and painful death until there's nothing. my heart slows, my body stops struggling, my breathing comes to a final halt. 

in all honesty.. it sounds a lot more peaceful than what's going on now.

but i can't. i just can't give up. so i tough it. 

doesn't make it any easier. doesn't help me sleep. doesn't keep me fed. doesn't make me feel loved or cared about by my friends and family around me. 

i'm working my ass off for the life i promised myself. i can't let myself down, even if it does eventually kill me. i don't even care. at least i didn't die as a fucking wuss, actually made it worth it to put myself through this hell.

ugh.. but anyway. my wallowing session is over. have to get back to real life. dreadful, painful, excruciating real fucking life.

see you in another, 6 months wattpad. 

- belle </3