one day i began to think

WWND

..I..

ouch.. I thought we were more mature than that..

I wasn't expecting that.. and, in all honesty it stung. I didn't think it was going to be like that..

I'm growing impatient.. 

what do you want..? can you please just tell me..? i'm stuck in between fighting for you or trying to let go of what we had when I know it could've been then and could be saved now .. are you going to reject me if I try? would you even listen to me this time? is it worth it for me put effort into getting you back? do you want me to come after you? can you please just.. show me.. and I want to know what isn't bullshit.. if you feel something for me still- can you please accept that? not push it away because that's what you think is "best".. can you be honest about it.. can you be willing to roll with that?

or is it all gone now? if it is.. idk.. I just.. I keep getting stressed over what i'm supposed to do. I know what I want to do.. I've been dreaming of plans on how I wanted everything to play out. I don't know the outcome.. I don't even know if I'll get far enough to find out.. but.. I get so scared at the thought of how.. cold you were. how closed off you were to me..I had never seen something like that from you before. never have I seen you act so.. emotionless.. so empty and angry with me.. 

I think of how gentle you were with me while we were together.. how loving you were, and I hate to imagine that if I came back to you with something I'd think would convince you.. you'd just be as heartless as before. 

that.. is the only thing that makes me think otherwise. it's not that I'm upset with you, or that I'm mad at what happened, bitter over what wasn't the best in our relationship. I'm only considering turning away because I'm terrified at the fact that I couldn't recognize the person sitting next to me in the car that night. maybe he had fallen out of love for me but nothing changed on my end.. I loved him endlessly, and for him I will be at my most vulnerable state because I knew he would never make me feel like I had to hide it.. 

but that day.. it was.. someone else.. I didn't know how to act. I just couldn't believe what was happening.. how dead set you were.. 

what if I finally built up enough courage to come running back.. I bring to you all that I have and everything I can offer. everything to make it work.. promises made, devotion, motivation, reflection, soul searching, tears, a broken but healing heart that wants to love you again, embracing arms, an understanding mindset, a developed and thought out way on how to handle intense situations, growth, happiness, compromising on a pace for a steady relationship that satisfies us both and makes us both happy until we feel like moving forward in the future, apologies for how I acted before, proof of how I can make it up to you, willingness to talk more things out and to be able to accept when you have something that bothers you, being able to admit that I'm in the wrong and let you tell me that without it turning into something it doesn't have to, clearer mind, better communication, patience, love.. lots and lots of love.... 

what if I pour every ounce of myself into this project just to make you mine again.. and to do it right this time.. I've never wanted to work so hard for something.. someone.. and I will incorporate every part of my being if it takes that..

what will you do..?

will you try? even if most of you is still hesitant but something in the back of your mind and the back of your heart is fond of the idea.. still fond of me? will you take me back.. and we can come back even stronger this time.. will you look at me with those crystal eyes, the ones I could stare into and feel at home like no physical structure could ever provide.. will you slowly let my fingers intertwine with yours.. let our foreheads press together.. and get the wave of my love for you again flowing through your body.. the scent of my presence, the warmth. will you let me kiss the back of your hand as a few tears shed as I await your response.. will you fall onto my shoulder, lower down to my chest and rest your ear where my heart beats, as that soothes you and you then snake your arms around me.. take a deep breath and say "okay.. I can forgive you.. I see how much this means to you.. and we can try this again.. really really try this time.. because I love you too.. and I want to make this work"