one day i began to think

thoughts and feelings after a bad break up

never enough: 

I wrote a speech.. over never being enough. Doing so, I had to think of all of the times I felt like I wasn't enough. I had a lot of times. Not just little things in school like being chosen last in dodgeball or no one wanting to sit by me. But my first "real" relationship where I was treated like absolute shit, him telling me I would never be like a girlfriend to him but just a toy. My second relationship which would've been perfect, but I also felt in competition with his family. They hated me for who I was, and although he loved me.. I knew that I was always going to be second best to him. I just hoped he'd prove me otherwise. I was faded out of my friend group, replaced by someone else but I can also blame myself for not being what they wanted me to be. I didn't get Sandy in the musical. I had a 50/50 chance and I knew that, but knowing I was chosen over didn't make me feel any better. I didn't get accepted to lead Kairos. It really sucked actually.. I was really looking forward to it. And my musical theater piece didn't make it past districts for individual speech. it actually wasn't from my performance but because I ran over the time and didn't hear the timer yell "stop" Kyle is looking into it, because I should've been able to hear the girl. Either way I was disqualified. Once I realized, I began to cry. My mom began to cry. Kyle began to cry. It was just a moment where we knew it would've made it places, but lost anyway. Just fell short. Just.. wasn't enough. Good.. but not enough. 

I gave my speech over Joe.. who in the speech I called John. Kyle told me to pick what I overcame to give my speech over. I'd say leaving him was my biggest accomplishment. Although my second relationship ended in rather hurtful ways, leaving leaving Joe led me to Noah, and taught me what real love was like. That's why it hurt so bad. And even though I still have moments where I remember my horrible life back then, and have nightmares, and cry over the past.. I realize how much I've grown. How much happier I am now. And how he turned out kinda ugly and fat... lol. 

I got a one from the judge. He actually seemed to really like it. All of the notes on my ballot were very positive and not much to critique. That made me feel good.. like I was enough. At least in that moment.. I could celebrate my accomplishment, and feel like I deserved to be heard for my story and that although I'm not perfect, I'm an image of the aftermath. I could've turned for worse but.. I didn't. I still surprise myself with that but.. it only makes me more something to be.. proud of. 

*****

crying in the club: 

I didn't actually cry because that would just be embarrassing. BUT, this weekend I went to a few bars and clubs- since I'm 18 and am allowed to get in, but since I'm only 18 I couldn't buy drinks or get drunk. That wasn't really my intention anyway, I just wanted to go have fun. And I did. 

Alissa and I went to Tap Tap with her boyfriend Brandon, and one of Brandon's friends Cameron. Who I've hung out with multiple times and have snapped since the first hang out, but we aren't close. Really just a streak actually. 

I paid for some tokens. I played Mortal Kombat with Cameron, we were both tied, equal level of damage and health. I was sweating and screaming and having such a good time playing. It made me feel like a kid again actually. I've been getting into Fornite (I'm actually pretty good at it ngl), and play my regular amount of Minecraft or DBD with Andi and Erin and some guys from west, but I haven't played Mortal Kombat in years and I absolutely loved it. Brandon even said "damn, Walter knows what she's doing." Alissa doesn't like it when Brandon calls me Walter, because she thinks it's mean. But, I don't mind. It makes me feel a friend, a buddy. And I know that Alissa has had a past of a friend hating Brandon and never wanting to be around her when he was around, and she's told me that she's cried over the fact that I'm willing to be a third wheel around them and be completely fine with Brandon. Not flirty or over stepping boundaries, just a light friendship and that's all. I like him for her and until he gives me a reason, I have no reason to dislike him. And I don't want him to dislike me either, so him calling me Walter and telling Alissa he likes me the most out of all the friends she's had makes me happy too. But anyway, back to Tap Tap. After Mortal Kombat, Alissa and I played the "Zombie Shoot Game" that I haven't played since bowling season my sophomore year, and then post prom last year. I had fun with Alissa though, I didn't let the sad memory distract the good time I was having. I carried, both Cameron and Brandon were impressed, I was just having fun.