one day i began to think

here we are again.

have you told them yet..? your family?

after a couple days ago.. what you said, it all hit me enough that it was in my head, any hope left for us. so, just like that, i was able to admit that to myself with your proof, and be able to make things right.. at least the "right" way you wanted and.. there's no changing your mind there. so i might as well join you.

i haven't really told anyone on my own, only a person who doesn't know us.. and i only did it to get advice on what to do. i only asked them so that they didn't pick sides. they told me to reach out to talk like i wanted to, and that's what i tried to do. it backfired in one way, but gave me enough realization to not push, and stop trying for something that isn't mine anymore. someone.

i haven't told anyone else, but that one girl.. the one who i don't like, who was supposed to be my friend, who hurt me and your family, one of the roots of why we broke up last year, the one who came over to your house right after we broke up last year- she had gone around and told all of my friends about it. before i even got the chance. but i didn't tell her.. so did you? before telling your family you told her..? just like last year...

well.. it doesn't matter now. it might bother me but there's nothing i can do to make that better or justify it. if that's how you're going to be when something goes wrong and then we're not together, i don't know how i was blind to miss that flag when we were..

i hope i'm wrong and you didn't do that. i like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if you hadn't even told your family yet and somehow she knows.. it doesn't add up and looks really suspicious. and i just don't understand why you'd pick her.. after everything and all of this time- unless you really just want to out of spite, or lied to me for over 7 months on how you really felt about her. and i really just don't understand that if you're so convinced there is nothing alive in us anymore and we're nothing but trashed memories, why hide it from your family? if anything.. i feel like they would be happy for you.. glad you escaped from the girl they never wanted you with anyway.. so i don't understand why you wouldn't want to celebrate that with them?

..and, i guess i won't really get to find out why either.

_____

not until you're ready.