one day i began to think

i don't know about you

well.. 

yesterday..was interesting. my test and paper for AP Euro was graded.. and i am proud to say i have an A. Same with physics.. a little surprised i understand the subject considering my history with chemistry, but i'm not complaining.. i'm just glad i'm being successful when others thought i wouldn't be able to.. then i cheered at the football game in westbranch, we won. had an.. "okay" time with my friends there.. i guess.. and then on the ride home after getting out of the car in the school parking lot, i walked tiredly to my car, setting everything in the backseat. i picked a regular station i've been listening to for a while.. consisting of "moving on" breakup songs. some about finding someone new and not being able to believe it. some about.. just falling out of love.

"miss moving on" - fifth harmony.
"if you love her" - forest blakk and meghan trainor
"when you love someone" - james tw
...

"i don't know about you"- chris lane

our song.

i haven't heard it since i made that gift for you for your birthday.. only to see it in the bottom of the shoe box.. i preferred that though.. it hurts a little bit to imagine if you were to take your anger out on it and smash it..

regardless. i've been kind of.. caught up in my own world for a while.. moving forward to the best of my ability, finding ways to forget about you.

thanks God.. for that set back.

my point in writing this today is.. because now i'm thinking about you since i heard the song. and.. if i had the guts- and knew that it wouldn't have any consequences- i'd text this to you.. but i'm not going to do that.. so i'm writing it here. whether you see it or not..

.. i hope you're doing okay.

i've never wished anything bad to come your way, never wanted to see you fail.. little have you known i still care about you- still i haven't completely forgiven you nor have i forgotten everything ( i know your could say the same thing) but sometimes i set it aside.. and sometimes.. i've prayed for you. in times during mass or chapel.. i've decided to dedicate a few prayers to you in a time i feel that God is really listening and i'm sitting in his element.. hoping that you too are successful in college, making friends with your roommates, having great times and making unforgettable memories each night, working hard for  good grades, being happy with yourself.

.. happy. i want you happy.. like i've said over a thousand times. i just want you to be happy.. i wanted it to be with me, and i'm sorry i couldn't do that for you. i'm sorry i failed at that. never was it my intention.. i hope you know that. so even without me, i hope you're happy now. that's all i wish for you, it no longer matters to me how.. i just hope you are.

i hope you're living. living a life that you desired, one that makes you the best of yourself. i hope someone comes along if they haven't already.. and are able to bring that out in you. i'm sorry i failed at that too. if i could do it over.. i would, just to make that part right, better. even if it didn't change the outcome, at least we could've ended better.

so. i hope everything is looking good for you. i hope you're enjoying your time as a sophomore in college, spending your time there to it's fullest. life is too short for you to spend it doing anything else.. too short to be caught up in drama or anything that makes you upset. i hope you're able to understand that.

.. now, i wish the same for me. and while i'm already there- i just hope it continues, and knowing i have that philosophy above in mind- i know i'm doing fine.

we both are doing fine. happy.

_____
i still have your stuff.. and, i don't really want to have it as a reminder anymore. next time you're in town, i'd like you to come pick it up.. and.. i want that polaroid back- the one you took of me.. if you haven't thrown it away already.. but if it's still in your possession.. i'd feel a lot more comfortable if it were in my hands.. please do that for me if you still have it.

thank you.