one day i began to think

having faith

here's an odd confession..

i talk with your dad quite often.  

and i mean, aside from it being your dad and usually girls you're seeing don't frequently speak with your parents without you knowing let alone your father specifically. it's odd because he's passed. 

so obviously it's really more so one sided communication between him and i.

and i actually don't normally pray or do that as much as i did, and when i have it's never been formal sign of the cross, perfect little hymn, sign of the cross closing the prayer. it might even be disrespectful but i talk to God as if he's a girl i met drunk in a bar bathroom. just ugly truths all over and the dishing out the most vile information that comes to mind. it's never been anything other than a casual, or crazy conversation just like any friend who'd listen to me.

lot of times i talk to my grandma e the same way. when i'm feeling down or missing her, or when something good happens and i in a dumb way ask if she saw that. again, i have to envision what she'd say back, or sometimes just imagine her smiling back at me. it's enough to feel like i got something out of having these little conversations in my head.

but your dad has become someone i talk to, pray to up above. 

milton and i have talked most days out of the weeks, and even if we don't talk he pops into my head at least once a day. i don't know if that's just my subconscious fucking with me until i go insane, or that's the smallest bit of miracle the holy spirit is allowing me to have as a sign that i'm being listened to and answered. whether it's milton approving or disapproving i don't know. i haven't earned that yet i don't think. 

i've never really been in this position before, even with friends none of them had lost a parent yet. but with a guy i'm seeing, or someone i've come to fall for, or.. you. this would be the first. i have no way to say i know any of what you went through and are still going through since it's barely even been a year. but i can say i do know how much you miss him. the way you talk about him and all of his accomplishments around the cedar valley. i know it hurts to. even though you never really dive deep into the kind of relationship you two had when he was here, you looked up to him. even though you wanted to be rebellious, and he has such a legacy you feel like you disappoint even before he died, he was a respected man and you always valued that you had such a father. even when he was faltering to cancer, you only talked about the fight he put up. even still at 24 years old, you talked about him as if he were still your superhero that cancer couldn't even stop. you're thankful even now, even with how much you've complained about how your family life wasn't perfect either, i've never heard you say anything negative about your dad. and that's good, i can't tell you how much i love it when you get lost in your own mind talking about him in those ways. 

so when i'm talking with him, it's always about you. about what's best for you. i'm constantly asking him if i'm good for you. even if the duration of our time together is small.. i want to be the breath of fresh air you've been waiting for. i know that i've failed multiple times in doing so from my own emotions getting in the way, but i just hope it's never tipped to where the bad outweighs the good.

 that's where i ask milton. i ask if i'm just added stress since coming into your life, putting up with all my woman tendencies. that's why i can't blame you for being frustrated sometimes. i ask if i really help you. you've had a good deal of substances you've relied on as a source of comfort through everything. it's one of the biggest reasons dain wants me away from you. but from when we started this to now.. there's been a huge improvement. i saw you lacked motivation, so curling up on the couch and wallowing in a bottle of jameson whiskey every night was where you ended up. other things came into play if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and wrong convincing people- as well as you feeling you had no reason to refuse. you needed to be on something.. whether it be alcohol, high, or passed out. you needed anything to be release or else you'd find yourself in a bottomless, dark pit and you'll lose any and all enjoyment in your life. you make sure you don't end up there, unfortunately the methods of you to find release had to be like this. and i don't want to make it sound like i'm a cure all, but again.. hanging out for these months i've gotten to learn who you are when the whiskey, drugs, and hard exterior is taken away. you're a beautiful human being. you are sweet, underneath it all or any influence, you're genuine and real. watching you progress feels so rewarding, and i know theres still work yet but you've found purpose. whether it's because of me or not, being able to hold your hand along the way is heartwarming. i hope milton sees it that way.. i like to think he does. i ask him.. a lot, if i'm better fit for you than your last relationship, or most girls that you've entertained. your last relationship of 7 years was not.. perfect.. by any means. in fact you both were bad for each other, but so many elements were against you both along those years and you dealt with them together, bounding you two. and although you two were constantly on and off, you guys came back because it's all you knew.. but laced in this relationship were lies, cheating, abuse, and again substances that fucked with you both. from what you've told me, it just sounded like suffering, but at least you had someone. but it really seemed like you had the brunt of it. she hurt you more than you hurt her. i've noted just everything you've said she's done, and acted off of it all. again, i want nothing more than to bring you light again, show you how to be taken care of and cared for, someone who wants to listen to you, someone who wants to make you laugh. i just want to see you happy, being the reason you are fills my heart infinitely. i'm not perfect though, and again, i've failed at always having you in mind when i've got my own thing going on. i try to make up for it, but am afraid that i damage further the image of me being a saving grace for you and not just like every girl who tries to stand a chance. almost everyday i ask if i'm approved of by him like this.

i tell him how wonderful you are, and ask if the traits you possess came from him. i feel like they do, even if it's unwillingly. i let him know all the good intentions i have for you in your future- and sometimes i'm selfish and hope that i'm still in that future with you, but regardless that i've helped even in the slightest with shaping you into a man ready to take on his aspirations in life. there's no doubt in my mind of your success, but peeling you away from no motivation to you wanting to make something out of each day fuels me further. i hope your dad sees that too, because i know i'm proud, and he has to be too. i tell him.. obviously more than i've told you.. how in love i am with you- and i hope he appreciates that most of all. i remind him everyday how much i think you deserve to be loved, even though you don't. how much you deserve a good girl to support you and be your other half. a girl you confide in, trust with all your flaws and will still love you with them. a girl that makes this hard process of life worth it, and eases you through it all as she's working right there beside you. i ask milton if i get to be that girl.. and if i don't then to take the fantasy away from my imagination. 

i tell him a lot that i'm trying my best to look after you. although you're grown and don't need a babysitter, and if anything you're trying to be the one looking after me.. but i just want him to know that you're not alone and i'm here to make sure you never feel like you are. 

through all of this, it almost comforts me. because i know on the other side, you're talking to him too, and for all i know you're asking questions on what to do here too..