one day i began to think

at peace

a while ago.. I saw a quote that read.

"One day it will all make sense."

and.. naturally, that made me take a moment to think. I stopped in my tracks and my active mind and thought.. will it? will it really ever make sense? will I someday just have some sort of revelation as to why we ended, where it all went bad, somehow I'll stop wondering about the what ifs and the possibilities.

now.. I'm going to be completely honest.. when we broke up, I felt like I was utterly unloveable, and that no one ever.. would be as understanding of someone like me, the shit I've been through, my baggage, all the ways I decide to deal with my emotions. I felt that no one would ever love me like that again, only him.. but he left me, and I can't do anything now to get him back or change his mind.. I don't want to. point is- that's how I felt, and for a while that was proven to me. I never tried interacting with guys or sparking something with someone new, I was trying to heal.. I wasn't looking for anything to happen. it's my senior year, i only saw going through with it with him at my side, but now that little image is gone and instead of being a desperate and hopeless romantic who thinks her only purpose on this planet is to have an interest of love.. I took the higher road and just decided to hold off on.. boys in general. I got a lot closer with my friends that way, that is.. after they wanted to be around me again.

you see, during my last relationship.. I was so.. blind. and right now would be the first time I'm saying that in this context without questioning it. I was so.. in love, so head over heels for just this one boy. so devoted with extensive amounts of loyalty. all I wanted was to keep this boy in my life forever, I wanted to take his last name and print it onto a jean jacket to wear at our wedding reception.. and in that fairytale I was able to forget everything, erase some of the senses I just felt were my well known overthinking.. in all honesty, I liked how happy I was and every red flag I saw at the beginning disappeared after I asked him to meet me at a restaurant in our home town, and I had an entire list of questions to ask him that debated worth getting back together after the initial splitting that wasn't even done by us but his parents because we.. loved too much in their opinions. funny how that restaurant also ended up being the place we wrapped it all up when it was over between us and again me.. with my list of questions as to why. it's the reason I didn't want to go there. I really didn't want it to be like.. "the last date", I thought that was just stupid. a parking lot or walking around the neighborhood would've sufficed but it was hard enough to convince him to give me closure, I didn't feel like trying for him when he wasn't trying even the littlest bit for me.. even after the breakup. even after he agreed it was the least he could do. but.. anyway.. the most heart breaking thing I got out of this relationship was how my friends truly felt..

they all hated him..

and I honestly had no idea. so when we broke up, and while they did what they could to comfort me in the moments of weakness I allowed them to see.. they congratulated me for getting out of something that wasn't good for me- even if I weren't the one who initiated it. they all told me it was better this way and at first I didn't realize what that meant, not until recently where it was revealed to me that no one wanted to spend time around me anymore because they felt I was.. miserable. with him. but all that time I thought I was living the best life, I thought I was the happiest I'd ever been because I lost him once, and finally I felt complete and reunited with my person.. but what they saw was a boy who led me on for a few months while I held on to love and hope, praying each night that he would keep the promises he made- that when he said I love you to me that last time.. he meant it, and after those couple of months as they watched me progressively slip deeper into the consuming depression.. he randomly came back, but not in the ways I dreamed of, not what I wanted.. he came to my doorstep and told me horrible things, told me that it was a mistake-heonlyfeltbad-didntreallyloveme-wastedallthistimeandenergyandmoney.. and when I tried to ask for the truth.. why he couldn't have told me this sooner so I wouldn't have spent all that time in agony and instead could've moved on.. he acted like I was the burden.. he left me there that day on my doorstep, I wanted to yell hurtful things after him but I chose to not let my anger get the best of me. my friends saw him as someone who beat me down that day and blamed it on his parents influence over him, beat me down those couple of months and sat on a thread of hope that I was never going to receive and he knew that.. he knew who he was going to choose and yet.. he kept me there to dangle on his love for me.