one day i began to think

what i'm not over

a little while ago.. my friend gave me a navy hoodie..

what happened the last time i received a hoodie in the back parking lot of my high school. i cried. i cried my eyes out in the car, in the midst of my sobs, the tears were created from happiness. disbelief that something could be so innocent.. but so real.. so precious.

i held the new navy hoodie in my hands, and as i stared at it.. i felt blank, flatlined. why? i don't know. i just lost all sense of emotion and thought.

i threw it into the passenger seat.. and decided to not think much of it as i decided to drive home for the night.

what came in me was a surprise.. for the first time in a while.. all the songs i normally skip, i let play. i sang to them. as my voice began to crack at the lyrics  i used to avoid.. tears streamed down my face. i continued to sing.. horribly. and as i did the crying didn't stop. i was letting it out.. and while doing so, my focus wasn't on the road in front of me. in my head were flashing memories of something i once had that i forgot i missed. i didn't want to admit it, i felt stupid.. but every time i have those minutes alone.. i'm reminded of the past..

i smile sometimes.. forgetting that those memories are supposed to be behind me now. i have to close my eyes and remember that.. and then it's gone.. and i move on.

this time.. the music spoke, my mind wouldn't resist anymore to every little aspect of what isn't mine anymore. whether it was good or bad that came to mind, i thought of it. i thought of it all.

in the span of 15 minutes i regained the weight in my heart that i continue to bury down.

i parked in my driveway.. looked again at the hoodie, and knew that was it.. a navy hoodie..

now something has shown into the light of my life.. something somewhat new.. but not forgotten.. and it's making me think a lot more.. a lot more about how careful my decisions need to be.. how every text message doesn't have to be answered.. how i shouldn't feel hurt when i haven't been responded to yet.. how two hours of texting don't make up to months of silence.. how nice it might feel to have company again in the early morning.. how scary it is to think it's not over.. but i don't know what it is.

as my anxiety and well known over thinking take over, i'm afraid of what happens next.. or afraid that nothing will happen.

i don't know..

i never gave up.. but maybe now i should..

_____
i've been sitting in the parking lot for a second writing this up before i actually drove home.

i had speech tonight and watched a couple that was once broken up, but is together again. while i am happy for them.. it seems unimaginable.

which got my mind thinking.. so i wrote down how i felt.. enjoy..

as always.

-Belle <3