one day i began to think

me & milt

dear, milton.

i'm sorry i haven't talked to you in a while, i haven't exactly had anything good to say. we normally don't really talk about me anyway, more reason why i haven't reached out since your son hasn't been in my life much anymore. 

i'm not allowed to let him. he wasn't sworn off to me again, i put up that barrier. i did it for dain. and i've tried to stick by it.. but i will admit that i falter and i crack and i talk to your son for my own selfish reasons if the opportunity calls for it. 

i.. test to see if the door is still left open sometimes. chance would never close it. ever. no matter how many times we fell through, when we reconnected we both live happily beyond the door like nothing changed. but he seems closed off now. the door he always held open for me, for us, seems shut. and as much as it hurts, i know that's how it should be. it's not chance and isabelle anymore, it honestly maybe really never was.

it's dain and chance.

keeping our door closed only opens theirs. and they are friends again and i know how much happier dain is to have his best friend back. 

so i try so fucking hard to keep my brother in mind when temptation strikes. i try not to reach out, not to snap or send a tiktok, not to respond if he ever swipes up on my story, not to try and tease or joke around and keep it strictly friendly in our chats. but i find myself just wanting to fall back into our groove that now is so far beyond my grasp anymore. and all i can do is accept that because it's not supposed to be chance and isabelle. 

i tried to have dain in mind when i asked chance about my car and it's current issue. i didn't think of dain when chance offered to do it himself, as i wasn't exactly expecting that. i tried not to read into it or have any wishful thinking. i tried to keep it strictly business. but we both know my mind always wondered, and when it does it always leads back to chance. my chance. the chance i promised you i'd look after and try my hardest to deem myself worthy to you.

i tried to think of dain when driving to dewar, when i pulled up to chance's work, when i pulled into the garage.. but i was too nervous. 

i had nothing to be nervous about. 

one of his coworkers was there to help, so it kind of put up a weird wall. chance attempted small talk, in all honesty i didn't know how to respond. i've never been that uncomfortable around him. it made me a little.. bummed to act that way around chance when he's always felt like the calm in my storms. but when i pulled into that garage and breathed in my environment, i guess i should've known this was simply him being nice.. just a favor. had nothing to really do with me or our history. 

 to top it all off, when he introduced me to his coworker, i was "isabelle- his buddy's little sister".

 yeah, that ..hurt. but what could i have expected? that is what i've been this whole time, probably what i should've stayed as. no one of any more importance to chance. regardless, that hit me harder than a runaway train. i was left on the railroad in pieces, unable to identify, barely able to scrape off the tracks from how hard of the impact.

that's when i thought of dain. and when i felt the need to get back into my car and drive away and just cut ties with chancellor dakovich once and for all.  

i can't help but feel like you're disappointed, milt. not in how awkward that entire event was, but in me. i swore up and down of how badly i was going to look after him, and i've failed. i failed you. instead i make a fool of myself trying to act like i don't miss him and don't want to talk to him everyday and make sure he is okay. i'm doing so for my brother, and my own stupid pride

i hate to say it, but he really hurt me, milt. he did some things i just can't shake. but i guess i have to remember i hurt him too by being so closed off emotionally.. just to protect myself when really your son is all i've ever wanted since i was single digits. now i'm afraid no one will ever measure up to him - even through all the hurt he put me through. you should be proud of that about him, milt. he really is one of a kind.  and if i could do it over, he'd still be my lucky catch.

but that means he probably wouldn't be dain's.

so i have this inner battle with myself almost daily. no matter what i do i feel like i'm making all the wrong moves. and i mean that in general. my life has become almost worthless. just one horrible thing after another and despite my efforts, i feel like i always handle it poorly. and all i wanna do is be scooped up by your son again and feel safe and believed in. in all honesty, the only reason i'm still trucking on is to make him proud. it felt like he was the only one who saw me the way i wanted to be seen, genuinely cared about me, and genuinely felt like i was worth something and would be so successful and good. even if it were all a facade in the end to woo me, i so badly just want to prove him and his words about me right, and him to see it and be so happy for me, with me. because i tried so hard to be that person for him. i was so happy for him, with him. and now i just get to hope he's doing okay from a distance, and any time i give in and try to talk.. it's not the same.. or even worth going against dain all over again.

i then begin to push him out. i don't want to think about chancellor dakovich. and right when i think i'm there, moving on. 

you.

whats weirder than a girl talking to someone's dead dad.. is dreaming of him. 

it scares me, actually. because i have no idea how to take that at all. i mean.. i've never even met you. i've only seen pictures, heard stories.. i don't even know what your voice sounds like. 

so far that i can recall, i've only had two dreams with you in them. in both you recognize me, as if all the times i talk to you here or in my head made it to you in heaven. i talk to you more about chance, either my concern for him or my position in his life. and you answer, and each time you see it as a positive thing for me to be there for him. in one of them, you even rewarded me for being such a blessing to your son. in the other, you told me to do what i could to patch things up with him. both were after me moving to waterloo, both after i officially ended things with him and have been out of his life for some time. with little to no communication, the most being this about my car- months later. 

i woke up from both unsettled and unsure of what to do. how the hell am i supposed to bring up to my "ex" that i'm seeing his father who isn't alive in my dreams? like that wouldn't easily send me to the loony bin, chance checking me in himself from how offended he'd be.

i keep it all inside. i've played the dreams on loop in my head and tried dissecting them a million times over to understand, but i let it go in fear that it's just my subconscious betraying myself with my own wishful thinking. 

but still.. it's enough to have you on my mind again. enough to write you this letter now. just like i want to make your son proud, i really want to make you proud too. i want to try, but i'm drowning in my own life and i'm scared to drag him down with me when maybe in all honesty he's better off. especially better off with his best friend. and i have to respect that. i have to respect that. so why can't i just.. let him go? why do i feel like i owe it to him, to YOU, to still be around him?

please, tell me what to do, milt. i'll try my best to listen.. no matter how delusional this sounds. 

       hope to hear from you soon. 

                                                                   love, isabelle <3 .