one day i began to think

insomnia cookie, hold the cookie

i have insomnia.

i was officially diagnosed late in my freshman year of high school. i was given an anti-depressant to take before bed each night that was said to knock me out and get a full nights rest. i guess it did. i slept, that is for sure. too much though. i was always tired without the medication, barely functioning but i felt more alive, i was still me. trazodone turned that off. i droned that month i was on it, it drowned everything i was as a person. i went back to being happy me again when i stoped taking it. 

i haven't had a reason to take trazodone since. i've had insomnia spikes, many in the 3 ish years it's been- but i've been able to deal. it's where i really started to drink coffee, have late nights and early mornings but there was always some down time somewhere to relax myself, regain energy to keep moving until i knew the real break was coming. senior year pushed some limits. working 3 jobs, and being important in the activities i participated in drained me very easily. i usually found myself sleeping in my car in the parking lot of my work just to get even that half an hour nap in after school to kickstart again for the second half of the day. it worked. it wasn't pretty or fun but it for sure got me through. then summer came and all i had to worry about was working, could sleep in or stay up as much as i wanted because I didn't have grades to keep, deadlines to meet, or demanding extra-curriculars consuming any free time. i caught up on sleep and rest then.

since coming to college.. it's a little different. i'm not in any activities. i wanted to focus on school and grades, keep my scholarships and grants that got me here. i work 2 jobs here now, initially it was only one but i get too stressed out over rent and barely making it off of my $4.35 an hour + constant fluctuating tips. so i picked up another in retail for a more sustainable hourly wage, and pick up hours at the restaurant when i can. 

when i was diagnosed with insomnia, they said it was anxiety induced. my brain was always worrying and finding things to negatively fixate on that would keep me up, even when my body begged for a break. 

you'd think in high school i had more to be anxious about given i was never not busy. funny how that actually is what kept me sane all 4 years. 

i've been an uncontrollable anxious, overthinking wreck being here. don't get me wrong, i love it. i love being on my own away from my parents, i love having new friends and making a lot of memories here in my last teenage year. i love being a student and knowing i'm working towards a degree that will actually help people and keep me happy in life.

but i worry. all the time. over things i should and things that normal people wouldn't give a second thought- or even a first for that matter. 

i'm always worrying about money. enough to where i hate it, hate the concept, hate inflation, hate that i'm an adult and have no choice but to do this. hate how our lives revolve around this. i'm going to college to make money, not help people. make money to feed my family and pay bills, not be a revolutionary therapist. i barely get by with rent and utilities each month. i only recently started at my second job, so that money hasn't really rolled in yet- plus it still wouldn't be much as i still an in classes and can't work more than 20 hours a week. i wish that were enough but that would only cover rent. i still have groceries and gas and nellie's cat food and water and electric bills and payments i'm still paying off for gifts from christmas for my friends or things i bought for the apartment when we first moved in, the list goes on. it won't be til summer where i will literally be working my life away to pay my current bills each month, hopefully get enough money to pay back to the couple friends that were kind enough to lend some, give him his money back even though he says he doesn't want it, be forced to fork over what i owe my parents, all while trying to attempt to save money so that when next semester hits, i have some money to fall back on if my serving job and retail job fall short once or twice. point is.. money has me in a choke hold, and unfortunately there's nothing i can do about it other than bust my ass to make it by.