one day i began to think

after 3 years

I'm supposed to be writing a big analysis paper over Napoleon right now for my most important class to get to Europe but.. I guess I'm going to write about this first.

today.. evidently, is where it all began. the single most worst mistake I could've ever made as a girl making her way through life, just a girl trying to grow up, stumble on the path that takes learning. she had no idea it was going to be this.. difficult, this destiny designed for her.

September 26, 2018. I was invited to "movie night". It would've been the first of many. I was only.. 14, so I couldn't drive yet. I got a ride from a boy who was older than me, we'll call him A.S. We became friends at school, had some mutual connections, and both shared this friend who was the host of movie night. he asked if I were going, in fact, he snapped me a lot, liked to get to know me. Back then, I used to listen to classical music.. a lot. it calmed me. I had a lot going on in my life with my home, trying to go into freshman year like any other normal teenager. Except I felt incredibly alone, and I was dealing with all of these inner demons all by myself and tried not to let anyone second guess my content exterior. I wasn't looking to make friends really, but wasn't opposed to the idea. A.S., after we became close, knew that I liked classical music, and played it on the way to our movie night. it helped a lot with my social anxiety.

As we entered the house, it was a room full of seniors, considering the host was one. there were many juniors as well, and maybe one or two sophomores- including the one dating the host. then there was A.S, also a junior.. and now me.. the only freshman in the room.

I was so overwhelmed, I had bolded eyes and I could tell I was sweating. I used to pick at my nails a lot as my nervous tick of anxiety, enough to where my nails were torn dow to the nub of my fingertips and hangnails were merely open flesh that would sting if touched or washed. in all honesty it was disgusting, but it was a version of classical music when earbuds weren't around or appropriate. I was currently tearing the skin off of my thumb right at this moment.

The host, we'll call him TE, came and hugged me eagerly. "You made it! I was afraid you weren't gonna show."

"A.S. gave me a ride. Thank you, again." I said, reluctant and surprised by the hug, the others who filled the room laughed at me and the way I reacted. My face turned red. A.S. saw this.

He patted my back and flashed me with a smile before walking to the couch where everyone gathered. "No problem."

We barely got to the movie as everyone was having a great time laughing, talking, sharing stories, dancing. I stayed put on the couch, glued to my phone. I was snapping my friends, one's who weren't there anyway. I wasn't having any conversation, just looking for something to keep me occupied and not feel like a loser at a social gathering.

A.S. liked to check in on my frequently, he liked to make sure I didn't feel left out. He had a much bigger personality than I ever could and knew exactly how to entertain everyone with it. He was loved by the room, and by the rest of the school too. Why he chose to be friends with me? I didn't know. I was younger, I was quiet, I wasn't fun, I was shy. I didn't like to engage honestly. But he liked to have me tag along even if I was as much of a participant. It was weird... Whenever he were with me he adapted to my kind of personality. he still made jokes for sure, but he was softer, soft spoken, gentle with his touch if he ever did touch me. He was very nurturing, and I really didn't know how to respond. It felt nice though, for someone to be.. nice to me, and want to make it clear to me. It felt safe.. it wasn't until my mom pointed out that it might be because he had feelings for me. Again, made absolutely no sense at all to me with our contradicting personalities. It scared me a lot.. but still, I went to movie night with him.. he did a face mask with me that was given to us by one of the girls there. he only did it so I would. and that was fun.. I was having fun.. that is, when I wasn't on my phone.