one day i began to think

"When I Was Your Man" - Bruno Mars

I'm stupid.. 

I've had the mentality to not really write on here for a while, keeping me off of it might make it easier to fully let go of everything, not write about all of the same things over and over again because that's all I let my head think about. So, I stopped.. I gave myself a break from using my journal to let everything out.. kept focusing on literally anything else. And honestly.. it works. It's made my life a lot easier recently to not write.. knowing there's a pair of eyes who might see. Easier to forget about that person, really just prioritize myself, my grades.. making myself realize that I don't ruin everything I care about.. 

So I've had this good streak of holding it together, no longer on thin ice of a breakdown if reminded. Instead, I've found improvement in myself, even think I'm just growing stronger.. that's usually how it goes. 

but then.. a bump in my developmental road. No.. I'm still fine... everything I've been building up to be okay, everything to blur out the memories and my imagination is still sturdy and stable, nothing is crashing down, I won't allow it. 

I just.. have gone a while without him in mind.. sometimes it's unavoidable when his sister's speak of him, or when our song decides to pop up in my playlist after over 2 months of not hearing it.. and usually I'm able to shake him away in an instant, but right now I'm having a hard time doing so- I feel that part of it is just because I feel bad.. guilty in a way. honestly.. I shouldn't, but for some reason I do and I can't exactly pin a reason as to why. maybe just.. the original outcome of everything (blaming myself for everything that went wrong), or the regret I have for the way I reacted right after the parting, or that now.. I pretty much act like he's dead in order to make the thought of him nonexistent and there's nothing to feel hopeful for even if I wanted it all back. I've done what I could to just erase him like we never happened so I don't have to wonder what it'd be like to go at it for the 3rd time. I don't know.. if not just one thing, it'd have to be all of it. why I feel bad for someone who hurt me so much.. I don't know that either. I'd like to believe it's because I still feel something for the person I was in a relationship with, the boy my heart went out to, the man I got to call mine.. but the person he is now.. I feel nothing for, a strand away from hatred maybe. So I feel remorse for that guy.. the one I know isn't coming back..

I'm stupid.. and I say that because today.. I went looking for that guy. searched for him in old messages on snapchat, silently these tears ran down my faces and I didn't even realize it as I could still hear the soft rhythm of his voice behind the messages.. his entire gentle demeanor towards me.. the random "I love you" messages he'd send as he pleased, all of the snapchat posts I send to him about love.. relationships.. things that reminded me of him, I sent too many things he probably found it so annoying to open our chat to that everyday.. but he'd always respond to them in the same energy I sent them just to make me happy. I looked for him in the notes of my general biology assignments, how he'd offer to help me when I'd be drowning in homework of all of my classes- he had stress of his own and yet he wanted to take care of me first in that moment. I looked for him in docs we made together, our gift lists and our basic knowledge.. how he changed my last name to his.. the flow of my tears grew stronger, more noticeable, but I was able to keep going. I looked for him in my memories and camera roll.. images of us together.. happy.. even up until our last night spent together before it was over, the pictures I have of the drawings I made on your back. we look good together.. we looked beautiful and meant for each other.. i smiled at all the cute moments captured, the pictures and videos of us from 2 years ago now, will eventually resurface in the memories recap on snapchat, it was the one thing I was scared of when we were forced to split up the first time.. afraid to see everything and be drawn back to him, all of the feelings in those images, everything I felt for him back then.. just rushing back at the sight of him and I together.. happy together. Luckily.. we got back together before they resurfaced, so when they did.. it only made me happy, and I was able to send it to him. now.. now it's not like that, now when they'll appear it will be full of sadness.. 

I think I found what I was looking for.. who I was looking for. And.. I think I only did it so I wouldn't be as sad when those memories do resurface.. because I didn't prolong the shock of it, beat myself to it and got it over with so that when I see it in a few months or so.. it won't hurt.. he'll just be another person in my life, just like the rest who have left or faded away.. It won't be anything special.. 

that's what I hope for anyway.

_____

I don't want to consistently write on here.. again, it only gave me a weird hope and.. I don't want that anymore.. I don't want to be as open on here and it only be used against me or let all the wrong people see how I truly feel.. I don't know what I'll want to do with this.. how much I'll write.. because I know that venting and letting it all out is good for me, just at what cost I am willing to do that..