one day i began to think

quiplash

this is cringe.. i'm going to admit that completely. it's definitely wattpad material?? i guess because of how cliche it is. but a friend told me a quote a lil bit ago: "when you're born into a burning house, it seems as though the entire world is on fire". hit a little hard because the wake up call of my negativity crashed onto me. another sad thing about me, is that i like to distract myself from all whats burning around me with romance.. because that seemed to be the only kindling fire worth touching, getting burnt by. still is to me.. slightly poetic like that (jeneva would get that). i want to write about it. i like to go over things like this, make it cinematic, write it in my own words. i could dwell over it for as long as i wrote it, but once i was done it felt like i thought it through and it was left here to remain, no longer in my brain. i used to feel guilty about it before.. but, this is my journal. i can write whatever the fuck i want in here. so here is the romantic distraction i want to reflect. 

10 year old belle is screaming because it finally happened. since i could remember meeting him, i had a crush on him. never a lingering one-in fact i would completely forget about him sometimes, just since i was very young i found this man attractive. the catch? brothers best friend. ping the cliche. 

too scared to say his name, but i'll give you a face and body. he's TALL, older.. like 5 years (making him 24), blue eyes, medium brown naturally curly hair, medium build, good jaw, good nose, good smile, very tan. aside from that he's just very charismatic, like walking wikipedia definition of it. very intimidating. because he knows it too, and he definitely gets girls easily.. and he knows that too. growing up i didn't see that yet, not until i reached teen years anyway. before that it was just.. good old him and i couldn't get enough of him. 

he was constantly over at our house. aside from just being my brother's best friend, he liked to be over. lived with us pretty much, and had been in my room on multiple occasions. catch? he's fucking loaded. absolutely filthy disgustingly rich with money from his entire family. us? not so much. not even close, at least not then and in our old house. but he liked the low pressure, and easy environment we provided compared to the suburban lifestyle waiting for him at home. so i saw him about every day for years. but again, this started when i was 10, making him 15- same age as dain. and i wasn't a cute 10 year old by any means, not that i should've been. but i was the annoying little sister that begged to be involved in whatever they were doing. and i took full advantage of the "you can do this but you need to take your little sister with you" parenting in this time. 

as we all got older, obviously i developed- so did he. that's when he became the pimp he is. i noticed that. beautiful, skinny, blonde, tan girls revolving in his arms. sometimes he even brought them to our house to hang out with dain and some other friends. i would lock myself away in my room and boil over those lucky girls. the crush was that strong, at least then. 

the older we got the more he began to fade along with my crush for him. he was busy graduating, and eventually in college, then it was my turn for high school and my romantic interests were elsewhere. although they always have been. i knew my "lust" (and i use that word in lack of a better one) for him was all just fantasy, merely imagination and something i'd like to think about but never happening because i had a serious crush on a guy pretty much off limits. aside from the obviously and..illegal age gap, he was dain's best friend and that would be a disaster. and aside from that.. he would never ever give me so much as a thought because in his mind, no matter how many years passed by, i was still that 10 year old girl who would force herself into being apart of their activities. it's very embarrassing to think about now- especially after just finding out relatively recently everyone knew i had a crush on him when i was younger- even he did which makes me wanna cry throw up piss myself and die all in the same millisecond.