one day i began to think

full circle

2 years ago.. on my trip back from NCYC, I realized I needed to end a very terrible relationship.

and now..

I just spent the last hour trying to recollect my thoughts to write this and I just can't.. I don't know how to express every emotion swimming in me right now and it's making me go crazy..

this year, at NCYC.. they told us to let go of something that was holding us back from.. enjoying life.. and I've been standing by these statements that life is just too short and not worth holding grudges or regrets or anything.. and I just couldn't help but feel this overwhelming rush that what's holding me back are these compressed feelings over my last relationship and.. an the entire family of that guy. I felt like a hypocrite that I want to go about life as if I'll die tomorrow and I should be able to know that I'll die fulfilled.. but I can't. something is still just holding me back and keeping me from full peace. like I just need to step over that line but something still has a grasp on me. And for a while, I just wanted to avoid it, and any time something bad of my past in the last couple of years was brought up sometimes I would just.. blame that family. not to everything because that's not fair.. but sometimes it angered me enough to blurt it out.. and suddenly I just felt so.. guilty about it all. Like I know that when I vented to my friends about it all.. it was for myself. not the tear down the family reputation or anything.. simply I just told them how it made me feel.. but still it made me feel like I was all about gossip. 

so.. during adoration on the second day.. I literally asked God if I deserved it.. if I deserved all the bad things that happened to me romantically. that first horrible relationship, and then the second one where I was just helplessly in love with a guy whose family wanted nothing to do with me. all the backlash I received from everything by simply wanted to have a boy who loved me. obviously.. there was no answer.. no real voice except my own consciousness. so I dreamt of would it would sound like to hear God telling me either answers..

after that.. I imagined what I should do.. to make it all right if I really did deserve it all. how to make up for some things I did, how to "get my ticket into heaven" maybe.. I'm not sure, but.. how do I step over that line of letting it all go. 

forgiveness..?

I guess I never really.. forgave the situation just decided to move past it.. 

I started to well up at the thought. it reminded me of the time at my junior retreat ( kairos ), I was able to hug Naomi, the girl who I couldn't stand and still would never be able to accept her after the shit she put me through and still does now.. but I did it because in one of my theology classes, my teacher said that to really be understood in your faith and love is to be nicest to the person you hate the most. So I hugged her, and afterwards broke down with a crying fit to where I could barely breathe. 

and.. and when I thought of that during adoration.. again, I began to cry my eyes out over the situation. but, it was moving enough to think.. maybe I need to do something like that again.. but.. like what..? what would I do? how do I hug an entire family that.. hates me? hug an ex-boyfriend that hates me..

so again, I turned to God, asking him what he thought.. again dreamt of his answers for me. I thought of calling my ex-boyfriend, I thought of what I'd say.. if that were a good idea to initiate conversation like that when neither of us can be in the same room civilly, thought of the response I'd even get then. would it just make it harder to let go when hearing his voice and everything after this long.. I wouldn't be able to do it, as genuine as I wanted to make my.. peace I guess.. I just didn't think it was appropriate. so.. a text. just a simple text, not a paragraph, nothing more than saying that.. I hope everything is okay. 

so..

"hey.. just wanted to let you know I thought of you and your family today during adoration. I hope you're doing well and that you're happy. I don't expect a response/conversation. I simply wanted to say this just because.'

I sent it .. and he left on read and honestly I felt better with that because he saw it and the ball was in his park now and.. I did what I felt was best.. and I didn't need anything out of it..

so why.. did my heart pick up so quickly when he finally responded an hour later..?

I don't know.. 

I tried asking God again.. but no response, no consciousness answered me, no multiple answers.. I guess that's his way of telling me to figure it out myself..

I'm starting to.. conflict myself recently.. feeling like all this progress is being erased and I've been thinking of the way the past was and who I was with and..

God, what's wrong with me.. what am I doing to myself..

so 2 years ago.. on my trip back from NCYC, I realized I needed to end a very terrible relationship..

this year on my trip at NCYC, I realized I needed to mend a relationship that ended very terrible.