one day i began to think

sexy velma

well i figured it out.

ever since i came to college i've been trying to lose weight. I'm no skinny little sophomore me like i once was before. i wish. i thought i was grossly fat then.. i fucking wish i was as fat as i thought i was then. i'd give anything to be that weight again. 

earlier this senior year even would suffice. that was after working and running in the sun, and then doing hard core cheer practices kept me in enough shape that i was okay enough with my body. 

but over the year.. cheer was over, and i was stressed.. a lot. i got three jobs in order to secure enough money to get to college and save up a good part of rent for the time of my lease.  it was going to school, then from school to cheer/play/speech/musical/etc, from those to work one job, then that job to the next, then that to home late at night just to go to bed after homework to do it all again the next day. then on the weekend working my third job. i rarely had a break. because of it.. i had little time to eat an actual meal. but that doesn't really seem the way you'd think. i was only able to pick up food, cheap fast food. so after this on repeat every day for my entire senior year... i gained a lot of weight. i was scared of freshman 15 when going to college, i didn't realize the senior 20 creeping on me.

so now i'm at college, and ever since the first grocery trip.. i knew i wanted to completely uproot the way i took in food, my diet, my physical lifestyle, and prioritize exercise.

i talked with brandon. he typed up a HUGE doc tat helped me determine what kinds of foods i should be eating, what to avoid, and what to truly invest into for long time results as far as my diet.  then i talked with sam, who helped me a lot develop a split workout plan. i knew he had started one so i asked if he could show me how to design one for my desired body type and he very nicely did. I was completely set.

i worked out 5 times a week. ate balanced, low carb meals that kept me full for a long time, and drank a fuck ton of water where i swear i felt like i lost all support of potty training. but it was good, and i was excited to see results.

but i didn't.

nothing more than some muscle maybe. but i still had a tummy. stretch marks. flab in all the wrong places. it sucked.. really it did. i was ready to better myself with all the tools needed around me.. but, nothing.

i still pushed. hard enough to failure. i always felt the ache the next day. it was so so painful, but just as rewarding. 

finally i went home after about a month or so to see my parents. it wasn't pleasant to say the least. reminded me why i moved again. 

but, while that is no the point of this entry, i stepped on the scale in their bathroom hoping to see a number i haven't in a long time. 

i was heavier. 

i couldn't believe it. 

al of this maintenance and passion and i've been literally doing everything as if i'm a fitness model just to shed some weight, I wasn't even expecting more than 5 pounds lost but i didn't even get close to that, instead i went backwards.

i was devastated. 

i returned from my visit. and even though i was bummed over my weight gain. i kept going. doing the same thing and tried to convince myself that it's just because i dropped my old habits cold turkey and that was just how my body reacted.

but no. 

one day, i decided i wanted to wear a tank top from the heat for class. but when i was looking at myself in the mirror with it, i found new stretch marks. under my arms. they weren't there before, not even the night before.. i could tell.

that was my rock bottom. 

after that, school and classes picked up so i stopped going to the gym. i don't balance my meals each day anymore. if anything i eat one meal a day and sometimes it's good for me but most of the time it's not. i'm always working and sometimes the kitchen is really nice and just makes me food. but it's bar food so it's fried and carbs, but since it's 8 pm and i haven't eaten anything yet all day.. i dig in to whatever greasy meal it is that day.

i don't think i've really gained weight since i stopped, i just lost hope and motivation a little bit. I didn't feel or see much progress so what ever i was doing felt really wrong.

and in a way i guess it kinda was.

after watching transformation videos on snapchat, i realized everything in common with these people who go from obese to bikini models. 

cardio.

that was my answer, and i'm just really dumb to not realize that. 

it kicked in after thinking about it for some time. 

i jumped in so quickly to these bulk up workouts without even realizing it. i was doing workouts to tone my body, when i still had fat to lose before even thinking about toning up. i jumped in at the wrong spot is all. but i hated cardio.... so subconsciously i avoided it and grabbed weights instead. the weight i gained was muscle, that's clearer now. but i don't want to bulk up, i want to cut and slim down completely.. specifically my stomach. once i accomplish that it's all uphill from there.

but again.. i hate cardio.  i hate running, i hate push ups and crunches because i can barely do it all.. but i know that if i find enough motivation i can push through that and i'll finally see my results. 

well i found motivation. 

i'm a college girl and halloween is coming up. and i've been invited with my friend, morgan, to one of the frats here throwing a halloween party. a costume party. 

and.. i don't want to recreate a mean girls scene so.. slutty costume here i come. 

but.. a catch. i don't want to be a bunny, or angel, or devil, or whatever. it might be silly, but i want to be sexy velma with the skin tight red leather suit. i know it's hot and i like the idea of it and i think it could be so much fun. but the only way i see myself in that costume right now is like a busted can of biscuits with all my jelly rolls hanging out. 

so there it was. my motivation. might be stupid but i don't care. i have a goal in mind. knowing i'm going to a party that requires some body-con action, and possibly wearing a very much can be flattering suit if i get rid of all the fat pushes me enough to want to run, and do push ups, and crunches and all they cardio workouts in the book, along with turning down fried and carby food. i have the rest of this week, next week, and t he whole month of october. 

my goal is set and i've got everything ready. 

hopefully you'll see me on my next post on instagram, i'll be the one in red. 

_____

- Belle ;)