one day i began to think

espresso depresso

i'm not used to being able to talk about it all. 

normally.. i just keep it in, only talk about it if i have to i guess.

then i finally opened up to alissa, i wrote an entry debating about if i should or not right before. 

then brandon knows. because he overheard alissa and i wrap up our conversation of me telling her on the car ride to his house in la porte. 

that was it. 

and still then i didn't tell them everything after that. only bits and pieces but i don't want to be known as that girl. alissa reassures me all the time that i'm not, but i know that she can be judgmental.. in kind of an " i love her but.." way. i hate to think of it, but it doesn't mean it's not a possibility.

now the worst has happened and i didn't know what to do. 

but.. andi heard me the next morning on the phone w my mom.. so it was kinda hard to hide it when she engulfs you and you're nothing but a sobbing mess. 

the rest of the day everyone treaded lightly around me. but i got a lot of "you're..taking this really well are you sure you're okay?" like it scared them i wasn't reacting more than they were. 

it's almost like denial.. except i know it happened, i just choose to forget about it for a while.

once i was alone again i broke. alone in my car after my last final. i almost liked that better.

i didn't have to answer anyone or stifle back tears or make jokes in order to cope. just.. cried. cried until i felt fine enough to drive from the commuter lots to home. i still cried on the drive, and some more in my bathroom, and more now since andi went to the gym and went straight to the shower when she got home.

i'm just a mess.. and talking doesn't help, crying is just inevitable at this point, and acting as though this literally doesn't disrupt everything in my life is impossible- i can sure as hell try but.. no use when the wave of guilt, worry, and anger tide over and attempt to drown me. 

i wanna run away.. 

i want to go up to my granny's house in new hampton but of course.. i can't. she sold it.

if i could tho.. i would just hide out there for a few days during break. maybe even just alone. literally just myself to find comfort in something again.. feel something again? lay on the carpet floor with my ear pressed tightly against it just praying i can hear all the good memories i created, and block out things that'll only hurt me. 

i don't have an alternative. 

i just can't escape this.. not at the house, not in ames, not in granny's house. 

i'm stuck and lost. 

my life just.. never has a dull moment does it? at what expense though? 

just waiting for one more bad thing. go ahead life.. will it be bad grades? an ex resurfaces? health issues? no money?

do your worst.