one day i began to think

another boy

he held my hand and attempted to sooth me. assuring me that in his arms.. i'll be alright. why should i believe this.. nothing has proven that to me.. heartbreak has become so familiar to me now, like a friend who always comes back, always wants to check on me when things are going good in life.

he looked in my eyes. told me they were beautiful. told me they glow against the evening sun. why should i believe him.. i was told this before, and thought everything of it when it would make my heart jump.. but that's gone now. i looked at the ground.. remembering the feeling of being seen as wanted in someone else's eyes again. seen as a girl someone wants to have in their life.

he said he'd love to learn more about me, asked me to open up.. why should i do that? always there being this risk of just a cycle of bad boyfriends who want to waste my time and stomp on my heart or treat me like i'm nothing but a body. and yet, i still felt my stomach flutter over the thought of someone wanting to know more about me.. wanting a chance with me. and the fear sets over me as i feel unloveable for my past, for who i might be underneath my exterior, to see how i am in a relationship. i don't want to make anyone run again..  or for someone to take advantage of my damaged heart.

he smiled when i told him it could be a possibility. i told him that it would be work.. and i don't want to hurt him or me in anything that could progress. and all he did was squeeze my hand tighter and tell me i'm worth the work it might take.. that he doesn't expect me to be perfect.. that he's willing to be patient- willing to listen.. for me.

i.. wanted to break down right there.. i wanted to collapse in tears and cry. though this moment made me happy.. it made me realize how scared i am just to have something again. all i ever did was blame myself for everything that went wrong in my last relationship and now.. i'm just deprived. of someone to tell me that i'm worth something.. worth working for. someone who sees i'm not the best catch, not the prettiest girl, not very confident, not quiet done healing. how do i believe it..? do i trust his word and find out within the next few weeks or months? or do i shut it down before anything happens.. always living in that fear that love is temporary.. and only when it's someone loving me.

do i let myself develop feelings for someone else again? is it too soon? i feel like it is...i've been dodging other offers from other boys for a while.. but this one stopped me, asking me to give him a chance, just one to show that he isn't just someone to reject.. someone to close off, someone to not give a second thought to..

i didn't like that feeling.. of begging for a chance, yet being shown nothing but the back of their hand as it slaps you in the face, laughing at how much you wanted them.. and i don't like the thought of me doing that to someone else. but, should i let guilt do that to me? is that fair to either of us.. i don't think it is.. not when he has this determination and i'm sitting on unsure ground.. i don't want to do that to someone.. but i don't want to fake anything and start something i don't know if i can go through with when i have business i need to finish for myself still..

he wants to take me out.. on a date..

i told him i'd think about it. i don't know what to do. i'm not sure how to feel. he's nice.. and sweet and seems to be caring and thoughtful.. but it all could be an act.. i don't know him well enough yet to determine if it's a good idea or not. i don't know yet where i am either.. i know i want to go forward in my life and be willing to take these kinds of steps.. i just didn't see it coming so soon..

i have this choice to make now and.. right now i'm really scared.. i don't want to mess this up.

_____

romance.. i just don't think it's my thing. i'm not good at it and.. i'm always the one who ends up getting hurt. i want a change.. but don't want to dive into something that'll make it all worse.

God show me the answer.. i need it.

- belle ♡