one day i began to think

i still have hope

so many people are telling me to give up. that it's not worth it. that i deserve better than this hell i'm living in.

but i don't want to give up. not until i know that i did what i could.. and i didn't just let this opportunity at a lifetime of happiness slip away. i don't want to let go of something that means so much to me. as easy as giving up sounds- i'd rather live in a life knowing that i did what i could than living in regret.. forever wondering what would've happened between us if i just would've kept hope.

i can tell no one really understands.. i can tell my friends think i'm desperate and just depressed and think the best for me is to just let go.. when the best for me is you.. when i tell them that i'm still in love with you they seem to wince, and when i tell them that i have hope.. they don't believe me.

i want to prove everyone wrong. i want everyone to see that we made it, especially the ones that hurt us the most. that we will be happy together.. just like we said..

for now i may be in pain. no communication might feel like it's over but i have so many reasons to stay connected to you.. to believe that you haven't given up on me yet. as of right now, my only way to communicate with you is through what you like on social media.. the posts that say "i love them" or "i need them" or "i wish you were laying next to me right now" i'm just hoping and praying that when you see and like those posts.. they're still meant for me.. and that i'm the first person you think of. it makes me wonder if you feel the same thing when you see what i like on instagram.. i'm wondering if when you see that i liked something, you hope that i thought of you.

i hope you still have some of my belongings just like i have yours. i hope they remind you of me, and you haven't sent them back or asked for anything back because you haven't given up. that you still have the pictures on your phone for you to look at when it's night and everyone else is asleep. i hope you still have the messages to read and can hear my voice through them.. and that all gives you hope.

though i feel you've been stripped from me, blocked from me, and have to believe that i never existed.. i hope you're still fighting for us. fighting for our future and fighting for our love..

but.. i hope you know.. that i still want you to choose you.. and i hope that in your mind.. that's choosing everything.. including me.

i hope.. that i won't have to say you're the one that got away.. because i still want to be your girl.

i hope i'm still the girl you said was your first and last love. still the girl you would facetime until 5 am because you knew about her insomnia and knew you were the one who could put her to sleep. still the girl you held tighter when you learned about her past. still the girl you risked a lot for even when she said you didn't have to. still the girl that you would baby and shower her with affection even if she didn't ask. still the girl you trusted to be yourself around. still the girl you whose hair you'd play with until she fell asleep on your lap. still the girl whose tears you'd wipe from her cheeks and tell her it'd be alright..

still the girl you would call "mine".

.. because you'll always be mine.. in my heart. even if you say it's over, even if you find someone new.. you'll always be with me and i'll never be able to forget about the person who taught me what real love was like and saved me.

just know that i'll be waiting here for you.. hoping that soon i'll get a call from you and you'll say "i still love you. and i never gave up on you. and finally we can be together again." and then we will start again. and be happier this time.. i'll cherish you even more this time.. i'll be more understanding, i will always be by your side and there for you when you need me the most despite arguments and disagreements.

i hope you haven't given up on me.. because i still have hope.

i am still in love with you.

_____
and that's on a breaking heart..
-belle<\3