one day i began to think

a second chance at what's best

i hate the way i feel right now.

i'm so confused. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do, what's right and what's wrong, what i should and shouldn't say or do.

it's like i'm walking on whoopi cushions in a nursery, attempting to not wake up a single peaceful baby. but i feel like an elephant with no sense of physical awareness.

i've forgotten how to act. all this time i spent rebuilding myself has been slowly taken down. these walls i built up that became my home are being broken down.. and i'm not doing much to stop that.

i feel stupid.. i feel like i'm back in freshman year where i am constantly questioning my place.. and i hate that. though it's better this time, how do i know it won't end the same.

the thing is, i was asked something and i just can't get it out of my head. is it possible? can it really happen? could it? would they even want it to? so i even want it to?

well. i know myself, and i know what i can handle. i have been over this stuff for a while now. i've been able to grow, and it shows, it really does. but what people don't know is that deep down i know i still have something remaining in me. i just don't let it get the best of me. i don't. i refuse to. but this question, is making me debate everything i've been standing for. and for what? a second chance? is it even worth it..

maybe.. maybe it is.. it was the happiest i've been, and i was able to learn from it, just how i was supposed to be loved. and from that, i was able to be happy by myself. i had it all back then.. and i don't now. but i have the smallest chance to get it again.. but would i? .. would i?

i have a lot to think about and no one to talk about it to, i've talked to no one because i know the consequences. i've kept to myself. and it isn't that bad, it's just that they've become the person i want to talk about it with.. but won't..

i can't..

along with this.. i can't be strung out to have failure.. i can't wait to have this possibility if it actually will never come. i'll wait if it's worth it.. i'll do it if it means something.. but if it doesn't, then i have to move on. i can't be held back and never find anything or anyone because i'm stuck in love with something i shouldn't.. someone.. i shouldn't.

i'll keep to myself. and i'll wait.. until i know what's best for me.

_____
a debate with myself equals a few nights without sleep and a lot of overthinking.

-belle <3