one day i began to think

fuck love.

i.. thought i could just let it go. i thought i would never be mad at you.. but i can be. and i still am.

i'm so.. so mad at you.

the one thing about me you know. THAT thing was MINE to share, MINE to tell. that happened to ME.

despite our parting, our differences, our drama that wasn't even between us but with our families, you had NO RIGHT to share that..

i was.. broken. he had hurt me so bad. i told you the truth, every part of it. you knew stories other people never knew existed. i've told you how it damaged me.. you experienced the outcome, you saw my fear, my anxiety. little did i know you only felt bad..

i thought i was being saved.. when i really was just being comforted.

YOU told people and at first it blew me away that YOU did.. this whole time i thought it was her.. but it was you. i couldn't believe it, i almost fell to the ground when i was told what you have done. i had to hold back tears in my high school hallway in front of everyone. it was only the first day and i was not about to let this embarrass me.

out of everything, anything you could've said about me to anyone.. you let everyone know that i "wasn't a virgin". that is still MINE to claim. you even agreed with me while we were together that what happened to me was manipulation and i could still hold that virtue to me.. and then i heard that you just thought i was some whore the whole time.

on top of this.. on top of it all.. just from your little rant of anger to tear me down.. he reached out to me..

you have.. no fucking idea what that did to me. i died there, inside, his simple words brought back every damn beating, degrading words, tears i've cried, and times i've lied for him. in those few messages he sent me i felt myself stop breathing and my body turn into a million little pieces that were no longer connected. the sight of his name made me sick, it made me turn, it made my head spin. and then, i had to see him. in the flesh, in person. i saw the person that fucking ruined me. i haven't seen him since i told him to leave me alone. i haven't faced this person since...

but because of you., i had to. i had to go through all of that hell and you didn't fucking care. you pretended to, the whole time you were just a lie. everything i knew about you, it never existed, it was all for fun and i should've known.. i should've known the whole damn time but i was too stupid and thought that i was just going to be happy and that was it..

i.. can't blame him anymore for how i am.. bc i grew with you into who i am now..

i get to blame you..

from the way i loved you like the loyal person i am, like the heart i have that cared way too much and tried way too hard to please everyone, especially you.
i would look at you like you were the only thing to see, you were my definition of gorgeous, my definition of a dream. i would look at you when you drive, when you played games, when you would be on your phone and you never even knew, i was so in love with you and i would just be happy to be near you. everything about you sent me into a bliss, those innocent moments i loved the most... and i hate it.

i hate everything that has to do with you, i can't stand it anymore. i can't stand how i still feel about you.. i still .. love you.

but i don't want to fucking love you anymore.

you've done so much to me that you don't even understand. at least with him.. it was stolen from me.. something that i knew i could recover from.. something that felt like it was over but i overcame myself..

but with you.. you made just living harder.

i can't.. i can't be me anymore.. you did that.

i can't walk into my own house without thinking about you. you helped make it, your work was done on these walls.. and i hate looking at them. i hate being in here, living in somewhere you made memories.