one day i began to think

irrational fear

I'm.. not really scared to go to college.. which is kinda weird.

Everyone asks me how I feel, if I think I'm ready, nervous or excited. I mean, no I'm sure as hell not at all ready to live on my own in my first apartment as just a freshman.. and it's not even an on campus one, it's the Quarters, which is still student living but every upperclassman and their moms live there. So a lamb walking into a lions den is incredibly intimidating but no.. I'm not scared about it. I know I'll make myself comfortable. Plus, theres a 24 hr gym I'm excited to use, and two pools for the summer and an all year round hot tub. It's.. really nice, and I can't wait to leave here and adjust to the beginnings of adulthood. 

The academic portion.. also doesn't really scare me. I know that I'm able to stay on top of my work and get good grades as long as I try and keep myself accountable. I've already set all of my classes on my google calendar, where they are, how far away from my apartment they will be, what buses to take to get to the nearest stop by the halls. I've planned it all out so as long as I stick to it, it should flow seamlessly. I'm only really "worried" about one of the five classes of my fall semester which is criminal justice. It's kinda the only odd ball of my schedule, and it only stresses me out a little because I know I love to learn about true crime and I'm super into all of what the dramatics provide of murder mysteries.. I'm afraid it won't really be like that. Luckily though, when I posted a pic of me at Iowa state, a girl I had on snap from Waterloo slid up saying she was going too, then she asked for my schedule and as it turns out we have criminal justice together. So we already officially deemed each other as study buddies, who to sit by in that class, etc, so that eased a lot of the way I felt about that class knowing I had even one person in the same boat as me, plus I easily made a friend before I even got there. Aside from that, the rest of my schedule is easy, pretty much full of filler classes since I took a shit ton of gen eds my junior and senior year, at least for this semester anyway. All of my classes start around 9:30-10am, and end 1-2pm latest. I have a lot of breaks and a few are even online, which is a good mix because I know my social battery would run out so quickly. I'm pretty happy with it and know I'll be okay. 

Making friends has definitely stressed me out a bit, I just get really nervous about that kind of stuff. I can be open at times and everything be fine, but I also burst on the inside at a social event just because one single person looks at me the wrong way. Everyone always says "you'll find your people don't worry about it" okay well, I am so fuck off unless you can guarantee me a friend group or at least one friendship just as good as what I have here. Alissa and I living three hours apart has really hit us hard, I know we're going to visit each other frequently but.. still, the feeling of never really having my best friend around me anymore and only having surface level friends in college makes me nervous. We will be okay, I just hate the idea of leaving her, and Brandon. He's become a second best friend. He's a go to guy for a laugh and he's brought out a side in me that makes me comfortable to make dirty, offensive, and very personal jokes with no backlash. I literally bash his entire existence and he can call me every derogatory name in the book but neither of us get hurt, and it all circles around with Alissa too. I'm really gonna miss our little trio, but I guess it'll make Christmas and summers even better just to reconnect all over again. 

leaving my family? well.. our situation over here hasn't been the greatest. A constant rollercoaster where we can have an amazing day, or even two but the next week will be constant fighting, crying, screaming, and me always to blame or in the middle. I'm going to miss my parents.. absolutely.. but moving away is going to be the best decision of my life. My parents have been trying to guilt trip me into staying. my dad especially because it's kicking in pretty hard this last week that his little girl is leaving. I watched him break down and cry one night about it. I didn't really know how to respond other than telling him I'll still come around on breaks and such. "But mom says that you'll never want to come back." he's right.. I don't, but I'm still my parents daughter and still love them despite the horror that goes on in this house. I'll miss my mom as my best friend, even though she's been super acting out each day that goes by closer to the move, which is exactly what she did when Dain and Faith moved out.. so I don't really take it to heart, I know it comes from a place of sadness because I'm her best friend too, and when I'm gone she'll feel like she has no one. Dain and Faith on the other hand. I'm in shambles about. They just invited me over the past weekend because it was kinda one of the last times I was going to see them. It was great, we played a lot of video games, had some rather serious talks about my future, and as I was leaving. we all were a bawling mess. I've always seen Dain as another dad.. the better dad, unfortunately.. and he was the one that pushed me to pick Iowa state since it was a whiles away but not too far, just so I could get out of a toxic household and just have some freedom. Just realizing that day has come where I get to be.. grown up and not just a little sister anymore broke us all down. It's the only time I've really cried about moving away.