one day i began to think

1.4.3

i'm sorry i don't say it back. 

when you said it before, i didn't want to respond if i took it the wrong way. because you didn't use the three big words. but you said you did. but it was so early on in our whatever relationship this is, i didn't even think you meant it. even though my heart was begging for freedom from my ribcage as the sound of your voice played over and over in my head from the second it slipped from your lips, i didn't want to say something and regret it. 

you've said it here and there since. still in the same indirect way as the first time. and usually while intoxicated. but the more you've said it, the less i felt like i heard you wrong, or was taking you out of context, or didn't mean it romantically but sexually instead, or you were just drunk and it came out. every excuse i could think of as to how you aren't letting me know you feel that strongly for me has been slowly debunked by you. i kind of hate that. i do because it makes it harder to not feel the same way. 

i told myself going into this that i wouldn't fall for you. i protested so ungodly strong against it. because really.. i knew, if i let myself be consumed by you.. the second you left i was going to be nothing left but a shell of a girl. 

you are what i've wanted since my adolescence. somehow, we've fallen into each other's laps now that we're grown after we've both walked through miles of the worst shit, and while i want to engulf you into my arms and never break the embrace.. i think back to the girl whaling uncontrollably as she clung to a boy in her passenger seat who didn't want her anymore. i promised myself i'd never humiliate myself like that again. and you know what.. i never wanted to admit i was broken that bad after that, or being forced to break up, or having an abusive first boyfriend to escape, but maybe i am just that broken from how much pain it brought to love someone that hard just to have my heart handed back to me in shambles. 

i want nothing more than to keep you.. but knowing that you and i have a lifeline with if you do land a job in a different state, or someone better comes along for either of us, or our families disapprove and we have to choose, or we just simply aren't good for each other anymore.. watching you walk away is going to break my heart more than anything.. you truly will be the one that got away. i'm deathly afraid that no one will compare to you in my eyes. every man that holds me, touches me, kisses me will never amount to the way you did before. you've planted something in me that i won't ever be able to ignore, and as fucking stupid as it sounds i'll always wonder what we could've been. 

so i told myself i wouldn't just be another helpless little girl that falls in love with you, hoping she can change you and make you feel the same way but end up getting pummeled because all she really was was temporary fun. 

so i have not said it back once. and you still continue to say it.

and this may be TMI, but you said it in the middle of a very intimate situation. i still didn't say it back.. even with how vulnerable that was. for me, that was huge. if i were to confess that i loved you in the middle of that and you didn't say it back, i wouldn't be able to function without bursting into tears from the embarrassment and how awful it would've felt to know you don't feel the same. it killed me inside your immediate silence afterwards. enough to where it almost came out.. but i couldn't.. i'm so sorry but i just couldn't.

then.. just a couple nights ago, we were beginning to fall asleep in my bed, peacefully tangled in each others arms and legs. recently, i've been having quite unsettling dreams or night terrors that make it incredibly hard to sleep. you've known this, i've mentioned it a couple times on the phone with you earlier this week, and on your first night on this visit you calmed me down, held me until i felt safe enough to fall back asleep. but the other night, i woke up so distraught, shaking, and shot straight up in the bed. i sat there in the dark while i heard your deep breathing behind me. i held my face in my hands while tears fell from my eyes. i tried to keep myself quiet, just silently cry over how my subconscious has been torturing me recently. i shook so violently, and trying to compose myself was even overwhelming for me. i just couldn't shake off the feeling these nightmares keep putting me in. i felt you stir so i covered my mouth with my hand and relied on my nose to breath in and out more stabilized air. i waited to feel you turn over and readjust to more comfortably fall back into deeper sleep, but instead your arms wrapped themselves around my waist while you sat up directly behind me, putting your legs on the outside of my body. you pulled my back tightly to your chest, our bare skins touching. you rested your head in the space between my neck and shoulder. i didn't hold back my cry.. i just let it out, and he held me tighter with each shake, each heart breaking breath i pushed out, every time i thought i was done but burst right back into a puddle of sorrow. you held me through it all. once i was more composed, you left the bed to go to the kitchen and brought me back a glass of water. 

"what's wrong, baby?" you asked while leaning your body against my lofted bed. 

i was still wiping away the wetness of my tear stained cheeks. "Just.. bad dreams." 

i felt very defeated with my answer. just embarrassing to feel so helpless from only a bad dream. there's just so much worry, so much anxiety, insecurity that follows me into my sleep. i can't just catch a break and it's making me break down a bit. 

you were really understanding.. and nothing but nurturing in my moment of weakness. 

you climbed back into bed and pulled me again to lay with you. i was trying my best to calm my shaking, still sniffling and wiping away the last of my tears. you pulled my head to your chest, gently grazing your hand against my hair and back while your other arm was yet again wrapped tightly around my torso. 

You rested you head against mine and tightened your grip around me while you spoke, "it's okay, baby. i'm here. i'll protect you."

i felt myself easing already. 

"You have nothing to worry about with me here, okay? i won't let anything happen to you. i'll keep you safe."

you kept reassuring me as my breathing began to slow again. 

"i'll take care of my baby. I love you, and i'm not going anywhere. i'm here. it's okay, baby."

right then. i should've said it back right then. you did everything right. i came down so easily from your comforting touch and voice. enough so that it wasn't long before i returned to sleep, peacefully in your hold. but i woke up with the most regret.  i should've said it. because in that moment, i knew just how much i do love you. it's a scary amount, so terrifying that it makes me choke. i'm a coward.. i know. 

but i hope you know.. that i do love you too. i can't explain to you how those eight letters hold so much meaning to me to say to you. saying them out loud to you is my everest. watching you walk away after handing my heart off yet again will be the death of me. so i can't tell you. but i've shown in countless ways..

from the way i tuck your hair behind your ear while you're drifting to sleep, the way i bear hug you from behind while you're cooking or making coffee, the way i kiss you goodnight and good morning, the way i'm constantly scratching your back or giving you a shoulder massage just because i need to be touching you- and even spelling the words out on your back with my fingers without you noticing, the way i watch you while you drive us around Ames, the way i cook you over-easy eggs with toast and bring them to bed for you in the morning, the way i let you pick movies or shows for us to watch even though i won't like them but it makes you happy, the way i smile when i catch you staring at my face or body, the way i'll openly sing my heart out like a concert to you while doing chores or making us dinner, the way i'll come sit on your lap and tell you about my day, the way i play fight with you until we're wrestling on the floor, the way i ask about you working 16 hour days even though i know so little about the business. 

everything i do with you.. shows i love you too. and i know they aren't as good as me actually telling you.. but i hope you can see i do.. so much.

i just can't admit it to you and lose you. 

i hope you can understand that..