one day i began to think

unloveable

august 1st, in case you were wondering, is national girlfriend day. which means a lot of girls out there on this little rock of an earth we live on.. are going to be celebrated, are going to be appreciated. me? oh. well, I'll probably be working, or sitting in bed writing a new update on life, or watching the show friends, or maybe I'll be with my single friends as we act like we don't want someone to brag about us anyway.. but I don't want that..

what I want? truthfully? I want someone to be excited about again. someone to stay up until 5 am talking about my life with. I want someone who sends me tiktoks that reminds them of me. someone who will take silly pictures on my phone when i'm in the bathroom. someone who brushes my hair behind my ear when it's in my eyes. I want someone who kisses me randomly on the forehead. I want to have someone be my number one best friend on snap and me be theirs as well. someone who will tell me to text them when I get home safe. someone who shares their interest with me because they want me involved. I want someone who wants to go out on dates or to the park to spend some innocent fun together. someone to rush home to call and tell about my day. someone to send good morning and good night texts to. someone to fall asleep on FaceTime with. I want someone to look into my eyes and tell me i'm beautiful. for someone to ask me if I've eaten today. for someone to give me their hoodies. to give someone my scrunchies. I want someone to hold. someone to kiss. I want someone to fall asleep on my chest as my finger play with their hair. someone to breathe in their scent to feel calm. someone to hug for no reason. someone to whisper "I love you" to. someone to wear sweatpants and a messy bun in front of and still feel comfortable. I want someone to let me know their password because they have nothing to hide. I want to have that feeling when someone's name pops up on my phone. someone to wipe the tears from my cheeks when I cry. someone to tell me that they miss me. someone to watch a series with on Netflix. someone who will watch tangled with me. I want someone to play video games with, even if I suck at some. someone to buy gifts for on holidays. someone to celebrate my 18th birthday with. someone to help prepare for school or go school shopping with. someone to never get tired of. I want someone to will see my naked body and treat it like it's a gem, even if we both know it's not perfect. I want someone who will read to me to sleep. I want someone who will kiss the back of my hand. someone who refuses to let me carry in groceries or my bad. someone who won't let me stand on the inside of the road to protect me from getting hit by a car. someone who understands that I'm a girl and I have periods, and will reassure me that it's okay even when I don't believe him. I want someone I can steal lingo from. I want someone to make brownies with. I want someone to bring lunch or dinner to on their break from work. someone to online shop with. someone to annoy about the games on their phone. someone to sing ridiculously in the car with. someone who will wash my hair for me in the shower when they know I'm not feeling good. I want someone who will show up to my plays or musicals as my biggest fan. someone to look for in the audience. someone I can come to their games or events to cheer them on as well while wearing their jersey number or one of their t-shirts. someone who will let me drive their car for fun. someone to talk a day trip with. I want someone to kiss someone again like it might be the last time. someone to have as my background on my phone. someone to brag about to my friends and coworkers and to be told how lucky I am to have that. someone to celebrate 1 month, 6 months, 1 year and more anniversary's with. I want someone playfully bully. someone to have inside jokes with. someone to have my hand rest on their thigh as they drive. someone to compliment me and give me butterflies. someone to randomly ask if they'd still love me if I were a worm. someone to share intimate moments with where I feel like I'm floating. I want someone to tell every detail about me, good and bad. someone who won't wince at my past- but promise me that I'll never have to go through it again. I want someone to have pointless fights with but always make up in the end. I want someone to know how much I love them and care about them. someone who treats me like I am enough. someone who will slow dance with me in the kitchen when my parents went to bed. someone to play with outside in the rain with my dogs. someone to walk into my house and my room like it's an everyday thing. I want someone brush their fingertips against my neck and face as they admire me. I want to hold someone close to my heart as they hear it beat for them. someone to order for me in the drive thru because they know I have anxiety. someone who makes me smile at my phone during school. someone who will be with me every step of the way in senior year. someone who will give me piggyback rides in the middle of the street at midnight. someone I can rant to about all the drama that goes on in my life. someone to be my best friend. I want someone to look at me in my prom dress like I'm the most beautiful creature they've even seen. someone to take Polaroids with and put in the back of my phone. I want someone to have a picture of me in their wallet or in the car mirror. someone who will help me clean my room to be productive. someone who will steal my belongings because they want to remember me. someone I can draw on for fun. someone I can sing every sappy love song about. someone who will pretend we're going to be engaged soon just so I can try on my dream ring in a jewelry store. someone who will hype me up for doing something stupid. someone to invite me over to watch their favorite sports team. I want someone who will call me out on my overreacting. someone who will give me a foot massage. to scratch someone's back as we lay in my bed. someone to watch scary movies with but feel safe with them. I want someone who comes with me to get my nails done just to be with me. someone to have matching swimsuits with. someone to lay out in the backyard with as the sun sets. someone to have a favorite food with and obsessively get it together. someone to talk babyish with. someone to work out with or at least motivate each other individually to improve the way we appreciate our own bodies. someone who adores when I get excited to talk about things that I'm passionate about. I want someone to do homework with me to make sure I'm doing good in school. I want someone to be able to fart or burp in front of me and me be able to do the same around them. I want someone to pull in by the back of their neck to kiss. to hold someone's arm or their hand in public. someone to kiss me when girls or guys are looking at either of us. and someone to kiss when no one is looking. I want someone to bicker with over little things. someone to blame for making a mess. someone I can walk to the door or to their car before they leave for the night. someone to have in depth conversations about what we want to do with our lives in the future, and how it would look with the other in it. I want someone to learn new things about them everyday. I want to grow so in love with someone that I couldn't imagine my life without them. someone to be the best thing that ever happened to me. someone to calm me after my nightmares. someone to help shave their face as I sit on their lap. someone to get all dolled up for just so they can take screenshots. someone to send full body pictures to show off my outfit. someone who won't be annoyed by my insecurities. someone to let my fingers brush across their lips as I think of how much I need this person in my life. to call someone my person. someone who makes me happy just by doing the smaller things. someone who doesn't want us to go to sleep angry with each other. someone who will be stubborn to admit that they are sorry- burying their face into my neck because they can't look at me when they do it. someone who hurts at the thought of harming me in any way. someone I can read over texts with just to relive good memories. someone to call and call me "my love, babe, baby, bub, honey, darling". I want to have a sense of security with the person I love- that no matter what they are by my side through thick and thin and nothing can hurt us.. because we are a team.. even if sometimes we don't agree or want the same things. someone who feels irreplaceable. I want someone who will make sure I don't feel like an option. someone to have teenage love with that might be stupid but grow into something better as we get older. someone who makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his eyes. I want to be who someone can brag about, show pictures of me in pride and never want to hide me. I want someone who strives to be the best version of themself and push me to be the same. someone who is comfortable enough to be sensitive with me, cry if they need to, but know that I am there for them.

I am certain that I know I want all and every little thing listed there.

but what I don't know.. is who I want that with.

do I want that to retreat back to someone who fit and I already had a few of those things with at risk of losing them yet again over something I did or they did or everyone objecting the thought of us or them just rejecting the thought of us being something again.. or.. start from scratch with someone new and be afraid of all of the things they need to learn about me and if they run at everything I've been through, at risk of never finding that person who fits and just trying person after person.. until eventually, I don't want to keep getting my heart hurt over people who don't want to get to know me like that. someone who doesn't want to grow with me. someone who does't want.. me. maybe i'm just scared or lonely.. but i don't feel like someone is ever going to love me again.. not like that anyway..

so, by august 1st.. will I be attached to someone again, clinging to their arm as they couldn't be happier to have me and me falling in love with the moment of being important to someone again.. or.. will I not.. and have to wait next year.. or the year after that.. or the year after that.. and after that..

I have a little over a week.. so we will see then.

_____

I got my blood tests back.. and I have news.