one day i began to think

maybe what he thought.

okay.. 

I genuinely am just.. thrown through multiple loops right now. there is no saying for me what is.. real. what wasn't.. it's all so misleading. it's dumb drama and, honestly.. I don't want to play part in it anymore. I've gotten really fed up today. I have been handling situations fine so far, but right now I just.. feel so in the dark. so betrayed almost. I just don't understand and it frustrates me that I can't come to a conclusion over the bullshit thrown at me.

One of my options was ruled out.. which, was very disappointing. It was going to be useful to me, in all honesty, just so I could stop worrying about it. I wasn't going to use it against him in any way.. I just wanted to know the truth and hopefully be able to move on from it. a lot of insecurities swim through my mind, and I know the obvious. I know we fought, I know I yelled and I would be unreasonable just because of how much I grew greedy of being with him.. but he makes it sound like I did a lot worse than just that. he makes it sound like I was a monster disguised as his girlfriend..

 Is it my past? I thought he loved me through that. I know he tried to anyway.. and he did a good job. I know I had issues but he usually was patient with me when something went wrong or I got scared or overwhelmed by something might've caused.. he was always there to remind me of how well I am now..with him. he'd be there when I woke up from nightmares that haunted me, he would comfort me and he would help, even when he might've thought I was overreacting over something that wasn't even real. he didn't know it.. but he really helped me overcome a lot by just.. understanding. I was always afraid that silently.. he just thought it was dumb and didn't care as much as he led on. but he never made it seem like that..I still have things that will never leave me, that still leave dents and bruises and cracks in who I am.. and I can only do so much.. but at least he was there to kiss my wounds and hold me until I felt protected again. he showed me what being loved by someone really was. I guess that was .. something so .. valuable and heart warming that it just made us ending feel like the end of the world. 

was it the way I took care of myself? I always wondered if I got too comfortable too fast. that I didn't try as much anymore to make myself pretty. he told me he didn't want me to wear makeup. he told me I didn't need to because I was already pretty enough. he said he liked everything about me.. the way I smelled, the way I dressed, my hair- even if it were messy. when I thought I looked my worst he would take a FaceTime photo just to prove me wrong. I know i'm not the prettiest girl or obsessed with perfumes or skincare, he didn't make me feel like I had to. I felt like my acne covered face, messy bun, sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt wouldn't bother him.. because I thought he was comfortable like that with me.. maybe.. he wasn't.

did I take it too fast? I know.. I did. I know I wanted things he wasn't quite prepared for and wasn't sure his family would be okay with.. I just.. thought he wanted them too. I know we weren't together for a few years.. but I don't feel like you can put a time stamp on the person you love. we talked everyday, almost facetimed every night.. I mean, in some way or another he had something to do with how I lived my life everyday. whether that be the shows and video games we watched. me suddenly being into action movies, and wanting to watch them more. or how my opinions changed on a few things when he enlightened me on his perspective. he was my best friend. I told him things first.. I told him things that were extreme.. I trusted him with that.. even when my family specifically told me not to tell him things- I wasn't okay with that. I don't do secrets, I don't like to hid anything from him. if something were that bad I had to tell him as soon as I could. as soon as I was able to... I always did. I was so scared to tell him about how I spent a little time alone with a boy he wasn't a fan of.. but I knew that if I didn't that almost was a version of cheating. if he got a little pissed off.. that was okay- at least I told him the truth- and nothing happened- I actually tried to leave sooner and said I had to go multiple times. but this boy.. knowing I was in a relationship and how I love my boyfriend very much.. would pull me back down to stay longer. couples who aren't.. at least a little bit serious don't really do that. I wasn't dating him to pass time.. I was dating him to marry him.. in years to come though.. not right now. I never thought I could drive him out over commitment or the future.. I thought he wanted a part of my future too.. I thought we'd go to college together, find ourselves stressed at each others apartment, asking for help on some assignment- then accidentally falling asleep together on the couch- then maybe waking up the next morning and both be late to class.. maybe I didn't even imagine that far.. I imagined how great it was going to be to have him with me while I went through senior year.. we were going to sit down and he'd help me write letters for grants and financial aid. he was going to come to all of my senior activities.. hoping that I would be something important this year.. and I'd be able to find him in the crowd cheering me on, proud of how he has someone like me- how he loves someone like me and how I will run to him first once I get off of the stage. it'll be his arm i'm wrapped around after a performance. bringing me flowers to my senior musical.... turn eighteen.. finally spend a birthday with him.. and the most important one.. he was going to watch me as I graduated high school.. congratulate me as I prepare to take the next biggest step in my life.. and he was going to be right there beside me. he was going to be my biggest supporter, the person who pushed me to be the best version of me.. and that is what he did.. I didn't think that was going to be too much.. I was prepared to mold more into a relationship like that over the course of this year as I got closer and closer to college.. I knew our relationship was going to be our best in college.. and I was just hoping we could push through now and work to get there but I  guess it was just.. a lot for him. I was willing to slow down.. willing to compromise and appreciate the now and not think about all of the grownup aspects of our relationship.. but he didn't really believe me,  I guess I didn't show it all that well either. I know it's something I wanted.. but it didn't have to be now.. I just needed it at some point. all he had to do was remind me that i'm still in high school and we're still young.. and we have more than enough time to spend the rest of our lives together. if he would've cupped my face in his hands when I had opened up about all of this.. and said "we will be there someday, my love. be patient and enjoy what we're doing now".. I would've melted into him, because at least I knew there was someday.. and I would be okay with that. but he never did.. instead.. he did this.