one day i began to think

what if i think i miss you

so.. I've been meaning to write this for the last few weeks but I've just been super scared and busy.

I have finals I should be studying for but this is just bursting in my head and I need to let it out.

I've been thinking a lot recently.. it's been torture.

I know this is really only just hurting myself and it's getting me no where and nothing really good will ole of saying this but I really don't care.. I need to get it out there and either stop thinking about it or.. idk.

I've been thinking a lot recently.. and I just can't get you out of my head. 

I don't know why.. it's not healthy, it's not okay.. but literally everything about you has just been living in my head whether I like it or not and I can't do anything about it but.. let it happen. 

I've been thinking about the way you act. Your goofy, sweet personality. The way you move.  How you have perfect posture and walk with such confidence it's intimidating. The way you speak. How your voice is low and soothing. How you're smart and used to help me all the time with my homework. How you're not a dry texter. One of my pet peeves is someone who can't text and have a good conversation over it.. I've been dealing with dry texting guys recently and it's annoying. How you were a little clingy but still gave me my space if I needed it. How you'd want me to play video games with you, it made me feel included. How it felt to kiss you and how your hands would naturally explore my body. How we'd have sex and.. everything about.. it. How you were my best friend and boyfriend all in one and.. how much happier I was with you than I have ever been with anyone else even with all the shit we put each other through and all the fighting and drama between families. As problematic as we could've been sometimes.. I haven't met anyone who trumps you..

it hurts to just sit and daydream about you.. my ex-boyfriend.. 

it's dumb of me. im a stupid ex-girlfriend. 

I feel like it's just because all of these other guys just aren't.. meant for me. yeah I have all these options lined up like you said but it means virtually nothing to me when they just don't fill what I had before.. with you. Ashton was just Joe 2.0 and I needed to escape as soon as possible, Nolan wasn't sure how ready he was, and yeah.. there's this guy I met recently. His name is Ross. Met him a little bit before the year ended and then actually hung out with him on New Years eve. No.. he wasn't my New Years kiss. no one was actually, except alissa gave me a little peck so I didn't feel so fucking single in the room with her boyfriend but.. that doesn't count. anyway, with Ross.. he began to show a lot of interest in me and say really nice things about me. Which.. was flattering.. but honestly with how I've been thinking about you I guess I was kind of turned off emotionally. But, he went for his shot anyway and began to touch me and kiss my forehead any everything. I didn't really stop him.. I just didn't do it back or respond with the same energy. Fast forward to now and the guy is borderline obsessed with me. He texts me constantly, has been reaching out to my friends asking me why I haven't talked to him all day.. he texts me things like "I hope you have the brightest and most productive day today while it's super chilly. stay warm my love because I need you to be okay and protect that heart of yours." 

I know.. I should fucking block him. its just that.. he's super super sweet and I don't want to break his heart.. he's just not what I want. he's rushing me a lot and making me feel like I can't breathe i'm suffocating in his words of affirmation.. which is not my love language at all..  I just feel smothered by a guy that barely knows me and its weird. I feel like maybe I should be grateful because .. well.. he's giving me attention and wants to.. No.. I can't. I just can't.. it's not what I want. he's not who I want..