one day i began to think

i'm not that girl

2/2

7 am, I left. I woke up early, snuck out, and drove home without an entire word to him. without waking him. as if I were never there. 

almost 3 weeks later and I've been back and forth with this. it's just been hard to process really.. because.. shit, he's my friend and I wasn't expecting him to "make a move" on me, to lean in for a kiss, to touch me all nice. 

I've come to the conclusions that he A.) didn't follow through with actually having sex because it wasn't as good to him as I thought or B.) he wants to be friends with benefits.

I've never considered myself a FWB girl. I guess I have changed over senior year but.. still. when it comes to love, romance, boys.. that hasn't really changed. only that I have more confidence to speak with them.. but sex only for the fact that there is no commitment involved? no relationship? no butterflies? no feelings? 

I don't know.. I'm not like that.

I don't have the kind of.. power it takes to not develop something aside from physical attraction. I like to think I'm deeper than that.

This guy.. although the night was great.. I'm too scared to fall into something like that. even if not a relationship, but still that involvement with another guy.. I don't know. 

my mom tells me how I'm a wuss and need to learn YOLO, and my friends like to say i'm damaged goods because I'm too passive to notice anything good for me since I'm too afraid of being hurt.. but I just call that good screening. 

I'm not willing to break my heart again. not giving myself up to someone.. meaningless. 

yes, it's my senior year, and I have made it my goal to make the absolute most of it. but I did that with friends, and grades, and activities. do I need it romantically?

I would love a good boyfriend with the perfect combination of physical, emotional, and spiritual level as me in a loving, committed relationship.. but, I'm not going to force it to happen.

any boy who has come my way this year has so far only been a lesson.. then this random night I get kissed and it feels okay, but the more it swims in my brain I find a way to twist it horribly. Find every excuse as to why it wasn't as good as it seemed and that now it's tense between him and i. 

Tonight I was bold, but not in the way you'd think. 

Since that night, our friends have been buzzing about us. I was approached by a rather popular girl in my school asking if we were a thing, stunned I said "uh..no?", and from what I've heard his friends have been pestering him about it as well. 

but us? him and I? no.. we haven't talked about it once. it's been rather silent other than when I had some people over this past weekend and he snapped me saying "no invite?" 

and my response: "I didn't know you'd want one".

tonight.. some events occurred.. which led me to text him out of the blue.

"hey, I've heard some stuff recently.. and I never was trying to pressure you into anything, especially not a relationship. I like us as friends, and I never expecting anything else just bc of what happened that one night. so I hope we're good?"

"..i don't want you to get the wrong impression of me though." 

essentially.. I made it clear to him it was an in the moment thing, I didn't think more of it and he didn't need to either. he also didn't need to worry about leading me on because again, I knew it was just that.. and that, he's my friend. it's prolly best we just keep it that way. he said he still likes to be around me and wants to hang out with me still, and he doesn't want it to be weird. I told him it was okay. 

now he's supposed to be coming over this weekend with the rest of the group that usually does.. but I honestly doubt he'll show. and to be honest.. it might just be easier that way. 

we crossed that line, and I guess over time it was determined that in doing so, our friendship was officially over, whatever it became was up in the air. as of right now, its hanging on by a tearing string.. the string being that we have a good time together .. aside from the physicality. 

I don't know how to wrap my head around it all. a year ago I wasn't like this.. you wouldn't find me in a situation like this.. is that growth? is that bad? I guess you could see that from both ways. 

maybe I just need to make myself more.. unavailable? wait until college to actually attempt boys again? relationships and finding mr. right? I've kinda just let whatever come to me, come I guess. I haven't necessarily been searching or pushing myself onto anyone.. guys just come along, show interest, I give it a thought.. but that's it. 

nothing more. 

I don't know. for now I just want a second to comprehend what I really want right now romantically. because whatever is going on right now.. I'm not the girl. 

we'll see. I'm just going to point my focus towards finishing out my senior year, the musical, and my plans for summer. I can't go wrong there, so I'll find peace in that.