one day i began to think

who is my lobster..?

well.. 

I broke things off with him. his name was Ashton, the blonde hair-green eyed- cared more about his lifting -buff dude that just wasn't right for me. He wasn't really happy with me about it.. mostly because I pretty much ghosted him. I just stopped talking to him for the day, left everything on delivered and went about my day with my priorities elsewhere.. and it upset him. he texted asking if I were okay, and when I told him yes he said:

 "okay then what's your problem?"

"excuse me.. my problem?"

"you're just off"

"what makes you think that?"

"idk. just are"

*I don't respond*

"fine. nvm"

"well then.. there isn't really a problem.. I've just been occupied with school and my trip recently.. and, in all honesty, I didn't realize how many other girls that snap you or you talk to or.. even have on tinder, and felt I didn't have much chance with you when competing w A LOT of other girls. I'm sorry, I assumed you wouldn't really notice I was busy." 

"Well I noticed but I just don't know if we really have a connection.. you know?"

"yeah.. I think so too, which is why I didn't really feel the need to actually talk to you about your overwhelming amount of girls talking to you at once situation and make things weird. I'm just not the kind of girl to fool around and be 'one of many'. if i'm interested in someone.. I'll want something with them or to at least try.. but, again I'm not going to waste my time as just 'another girl' or if there is no connection."

"yeah. very trueee."

"right well.. i think I can say I'm officially uninterested so, that's that." 

"wait what?"

*I stop responding* *he keeps snapping me while I leave him unread* *after a day.. he gives up*

and ultimately I am okay with that. I don't.. want a guy like him. the way I felt with him brought me back to freshman year.. just a body, and I couldn't put myself through something like that again. 

so.. what next? 

well.. as I mentioned in an earlier chapter.. I am so SO conflicted with my emotions recently.. like I am just tearing myself up because the more I think about it all the more it freaks me out and I just can't accept the fact that that is how I really feel.. after all this time and all the things said that can't be taken back and all the drama and pain and suffering and heartbreak and anger and closure and moving on.. I really am just.. stupid for.. letting my imagination get the best of me.. letting hopes of a life I wanted overpower all this that I've worked for.. this has just become a never ending cycle and how is it supposed to stop? 

2 weeks after the break up I was so crushed at the mean words thrown at me..that I kissed a guy I met that night. I let him hold my body in his arms, stroking my hair and telling me how beautiful my eyes were. what this guy didn't know is that every time my eyes closed to press my lips against his.. I imagined it was you. Your lips, your arms. Your  kind words. And it sent me to sobs once the kiss ended and I was able to excuse myself to the bathroom. 

now I spent a month of my time wondering if I should crush on a guy that appearance wise is way out of my league.. but good personality wise I take the prize home by a long shot.. laying on his chest, playing with his hair, and talking to him just made me think of how much better I had it with you.. 

..and I how much I missed it.

 I missed being called "Bub", the door dash long distance dates, the FaceTime calls, the weekends in your dorm, the physical affection you gave to me, the random "I love you"s, the back scratches, the half watched movies that were mostly spent having sex or falling asleep, the 3am calls I'd get when you were off work so we could play video games, the exchange of clothes and not being able to know whose was whose anymore, the jewelry we bought for each other, the fun I had arranging birthday gifts for you, the texts of encouragement I'd get from you when I was down, drive me to cane's to cheer me up when my parents couldn't make it to the first musical I had a singing role in, the stupid fights we'd get into that just made me realize all the hurt and yelling was worth it because.. I loved you.. and I couldn't see myself doing those things with anyone else.

Especially not this Ashton guy. 

It's so stupid though. We were just a high school relationship bound to be destroyed..twice.. and we're just not meant to be together.. unless, you believe in right person, wrong time? but even if that, when would've or would be the right time for us? when I turned 18 and we'd be able to consider it a real.. adult relationship? When I graduated and am no longer just a girl in high school dating a college boy? when I would move to Ames and we'd have our own apartments with no overwhelming families to control or judge, just us living life in the journey of growing up together.. only us?

I.. I don't know.. 

 I think I need to be done talking about this.. if I keep going i'm afraid I'll discover something I've been in denial about for a long time now.. and the "news" I received today doesn't help my situation at all.

goodnight.

_____

FRIENDS. Season 4, Episode 21. ..pretty much the entire episode, yeah..