one day i began to think

mr. and mrs. perfect for each other

he held me tighter, gently stroking my back before he said "it just feels different now.."

he's right, it does. everything has changed.

we got drunk together, and normally i don't get drunk on a wednesday night, but since i didn't have class or work i loosened up.

i didn't know what i expected.. but us sitting in my room talking out just how fucked both of our lives have been was not where i thought we'd end up. i've been able to wrap my head around joe over the years, i can share that without hurting as much- only because of how far i've come and the people i surrounded myself with were very supporting. so i was able to share that with him. but sadly, that is just tip of the iceberg. but i've never wanted to be that girl. the one with all the traumatic past and issues. i run from it, but still it lingers in my mind. just how much of my childhood i blocked out from everything, and how little i really remember from when i was younger, up til high school even.

 i have medical issues, i have anxiety issues, i have family issues, sleeping issues, money issues, pstd issues, friend issues, sex issues like.. the list goes on and of course there is some horrible memory and story associated with why i am the way i am. i try so fucking hard to not be that girl. 

"You're like spring." he said, "Everything blossoming, everything shining and coming to life. That's what season I think you are." 

he sees me.. even after i told him about joe.

two weeks later, he's here again. we got drunk.. again. we shared deeper. i shared deeper. i said things i've never really been comfortable saying out loud before. things i've kept crammed away and thought i'd die with because i was too scared to tell another person just how disturbing my life has been and i'm only 19. 

he shared some pretty equally fucked up things too. i'm glad i made him feel comfortable enough to open up about those kinds of things to me.. because he makes me feel safe enough to know all my baggage without feeling like damaged goods afterwards. 

one specific thing i told him though.. i hadn't told anyone. it wasn't some huge secret i always held beneath the surface, but one i never felt important enough to say, but one that if i did, it would only make me look like someone craving the attention. just another me too girl. 

the next night, we sat watching the titanic. we hadn't said anything in minutes, but his voice broke the silence "You know.. I really thought: yeah she can be with someone like me. Someone who holds her like I do, loves her and cares for her, the way i look at you and think about you. I thought I could be him.. but after last night.. I realized you deserve so much better than me, and I don't deserve you at all. You're just this perfect little thing and I don't know how you do it."

My heart raced with each word that escaped his lips. I raised myself to face him "Well I want you." 

He doesn't understand that he is the better he's talking about. He has no idea he's exactly the guy i've been praying comes along for the last two years. But I've built such a wall around myself so that I wouldn't catch feelings because of our situation, so that I would be okay when this all ended- because if I let myself consume him fully.. it'll be the worst heart break I'll ever experience and probably never heal from.. and we're not even actually dating. then he goes and says all of that.. and says he's going to do everything he can to not mess this up, what we have right now and I can feel my heart making room for him. 

the next days he's more loving, more caring. we slow danced in my kitchen. he dipped me and kissed me deeply. he held my face in his hands while i sang, telling me how in love his is with my voice. he made me dinner as we watched one of my favorite movies on the couch before falling asleep in each others arms. 

everything is different. when this began.. it was just fun, thrilling. now, he said he's met his match and he will never get enough of me. i wasn't sure.. i was still in denial. i want to dive deep into the romance this has become but i'm terrified of getting myself hurt from being blinded by how amazing it is. i want to trust.. believe me, but i'm scared.

over this weekend, something resurfaced, and it just happened to involve that one specific thing now only he knows about with my past. it had to do with money. i felt.. helpless. because i had no other options but to take it. if i want to stay here in ames, away from my parents, and try as hard as possible to make a life i've been dreaming of.. i had to take it. but i hated myself for it. i was so disappointed and haven't known how to bounce back from it. it felt like such a set back. and i was scared shitless to tell him. 

he tried holding a conversation with me over text or snap, and i just couldn't bring myself to. the spring season in me was raining, storming even and I wasn't able to bring myself out of the fog. I went shopping trying to clear my head, got coffee, and then came back and deep cleaned the entire apartment trying to find peace. once i got up to my room, he asked to talk on the phone. i knew if i said yes it would all come spilling out.. but i was kind of okay with that. hearing his voice and just being able to let this out to him felt okay- i just hoped he wasn't going to be pissed at me once i told him what i'd done. 

"Hey!" the life in his voice when i called him was heart warming and wrenching at the same time. my little hi back had a much softer tone. 

"How are you?" he asked. 

i took a breath in trying to stabilize, "good."

i could feel the shift once he picked up that wasn't the case, "Are you?"

we tiptoed around what was wrong for a little bit. i asked about him and how he was and then he let me just talk about my day. certain parts of trying to explain i took the day to relax but it just became a swarm of anxious thoughts made me a little emotional. i tried my best to stifle tears, but the sound of me sniffling my tears at bay was not working in my favor. 

i finally just said it. 

"I was afraid you going to say that." he said in a defeated voice. i let the tears fall at this point. i let it all out after i admitted what i had done. i feared his disappointment, feared of how he thought of me now. 

to my surprise.. he did the exact opposite. he told me how i had nothing to worry about and should not feel as bad as i do. he lifted me up in ways i was not ready for, never had i felt so grounded while sobbing uncontrollably. he was angry, but not with me at all. the passion in his voice when he spoke, like it meant everything to make sure i felt every single sentence he preached on how i am still strong, and i am going to push through and he was there every single step along the way. how i made the right decision, as long as i know i owe nothing to the source. and he is going to make sure nothing happens to me and he hates to see me down like this and will do what he can to help.

i bawled harder than i probably ever have because i've never felt so safe and protected. i felt so helpless and somehow he was able to scoop me up and remind me just how capable i really am. i wasn't prepared for the wash over me, the realization that he really cares about me..maybe even more than that.. that this is real and i should stop holding myself back from him over silly doubts. he had just proven himself to me and i'm ready to fall. 

after that, he switched the phone call to a facetime. we talked for a couple more hours. my spirits were instantly brought up. just being myself again and being able to talk and joke and flirt. i felt a lot better. because of him. and a part of me is still worried i shouldn't have broken down to him, but he reassures me by the way he treats me that it meant something to him that i did. i was able to sleep without trouble and wake up feeling like i have nothing to fear.

everything has completely changed.. 

and i don't know what comes next for us but i feel it in every particle that holds my being together that we are so good.