one day i began to think

things i wanted to say but didn't (3) - note from summer 2019 edition

in my dreams, you always give me a second chance. you don't look at me with black eyes and you do not talk to me with clenched fists.

you smile at me, and you pull me in closer. you hold me and protect me like you once did before, before i messed up. in my dreams, you're with me.

then i wake back up to the disappointment that the you in my mind is not the real you, the real you that never looks my way anymore. the fading fog of feeling still haunts me as a fragment of memory, but sometimes the image of you laughing with me takes over.

that makes my chest tighten. the memory of you holding me and laughing at something stupid i said. i lost that.. although, i can't lose something i never had..

now you're mad at me. before, you wanted me, then you did not want me that way anymore.. now, you want nothing of me. you're mad because i thought for you, because i assumed how you felt.

i assume the worst, all the time. i assumed the worst from you, and you did not at all appreciate that.

then i gave you space, although i feel like i always bothered you before. i left myself drift but i guess not enough. i failed to avoid you and asked if you were still mad..

"yes" you said. "bye" you added.

that hurt me. your main objective before was how you did not want to hurt me, but that is exactly what you're doing now. how does that make you feel? you see me smile effortlessly and think that i have not had enough of the silence. your words may sting but your silence kills me.. i don't think you understand that, i don't think you ever will.

you're hard to read, yet you spill your emotions out for everyone else to soak up. it's almost like you were only reserved when you were with me. with everyone else you were a burst of colors.. but with me, you were a lot more gentle.. a lot more focused.

i liked your attention, and i'm jealous of the people that see you everyday. they shamelessly glance at you and appreciate the stuff i appreciate more, the stuff i care about in other ways than they do. and you laugh with them, you smile, and dance, and play, and joke with them.. but with me we always had a comfortable gaze.. now i can't tell if that's good or not.

you had a thing for eyes, you had to make eye contact, that always caused me to shake. i'd always look down, but you refused to look away. your eyes always locked with mine and they told me everything i needed to know.

it feels good to know you're not mad at me anymore. but you look happier now. it hurts that it can't be with me. it's with other people, not that you don't acknowledge me and laugh with me sometimes when we are with friends.. i just wish it wasn't just with friends.
i know that we've looked at each other too much.. too long to be "just friends". maybe you have that intensity with everyone, but it didn't feel like that.

it were almost as if our eyes were virgins, they got a taste of each others eyes and a whole new world was explored. a diversity of feelings, thoughts, questions.. new cravings emerged with the prolonged seconds of our staring..

i crave your sight. i crave your touch. i crave you, in a way i'll never in a million years be able to explain- not without it sounding... terrible.

when will you stop running from me? i have you and then i lose you, repeatedly. do you know what that does to me? i don't think that's healthy for someone barely introduced to the meaning of romance. but even though i hesitate to give myself to you, i always will. i say that i'm going to let you go and that i'm fine but each time you need me in there within a heart beat. my heart beat. the one that beats for you, only you. forever.

_____

decided to clear out my notes since i can't sleep. found this and it was actually right before things took a turn for the worse in that relationship. reading my awareness hurts. i just want to hug that girl.