one day i began to think

we always want what we can't have

the part that makes me the most upset.. is that he knows me so well. 

he's grown up with me and dain. because he's been so close to us, he knows what it's like at my house. my dad's anger/drinking/drug problems, knows how my mom yells like a crazy person when she's pissed, and how chaotic things can be over the littlest things. hell, he's prolly received some of the backlash himself.

and even though we haven't seen each other in so long, because him and dain are always together he knows what's been going on now and that i still go home and try to make it better yet somehow always leave more broken than i was before. he knows all of it. 

then when he goes over all the good memories with me, we can joke about who was more embarrassing, can laugh over the trauma, and completely catch up on each others lives.. it's almost hard to be insecure around him. and it's almost a terrifying feeling. it's like i'm worried about not being enough of.. myself because he already knows who i am- and will easily call me out on it if i'm being something or someone i'm not. complete opposite of these last couple guys around here at isu. 

it's just.. it fucking sucks because it feels so good to just be comfortable. i can effortlessly have a good time. but i can't get caught up in it. it's not right..

so.. when he tells me i'm exactly the kind of fun he's looking for, i'm so quick witted he loves to talk to me, i'm actually interesting, nothing like he pictured me as, says i'm "something else", and can't help but gravitate towards me.. the ground I'm holding so strong begins to shake. but still.. i have to refuse. because in one hand, he could just be saying some cheesy shit to get into my pants. and again, that's just ultimate betrayal.

but.. he soothes my judgement when he tells me how badly he wants a family, asks me how many kids i want and when i want to be married, then jokes about how he wants me to be the mother of his kids. how he hugs me and tells me i'm nothing like my parents and how sorry he is how much i'm going through.. 

jesus fuck. and fuck him. 

it almost pisses me the fuck off because there is nothing i can do about it. and just replaying it in my head drives me absolute batshit. 

i'm lost.. honestly. 

as much as i push it away, it comes back for me and i feel myself becoming a fool. i push harder and i'm afraid of going back to nothing.

i'm almost hoping he fades out and gets bored. it'll sting but it's the best option. i know it felt entitled denying him.. but ik it doesn't feel the best for him.. and me either. i'd rather take that hit than going through all of this.

he seems perfect.. and i literally dreamed about this when i was younger.. but i can't have it, nothing can change that.