one day i began to think

where have all the good men gone

i've been putting off writing this because i wasn't sure how to go about it.. or feel.. if i really wanted to put this out there or not..

but.. a lot has been bottled up recently and i'm going on a trip to indianapolis this weekend to channel my faith life.. and not to sound cheesy but, i don't know.. i don't want to go into it feeling like this....

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for the last few months i've been talking to this guy. blonde. green eyes. complete meathead. definitely.. not my first pick.. be used in all honestly he looked like a douche bag, but i figured i'd sniff him out first. interact  enough to see if he were worth my time or not.

so we talked for a while. in that "talking stage". and it felt great. i'd send him pictures of my full face, or mirror pics of my outfits, or videos of me smiling.. somehow recently i've found enough confidence to do that now. and each time i sent something he'd reply telling me how gorgeous he thought i was. at first, again thinking he might just be some thirsty douche, i didn't really give him much attention or response. just a quick and short thank you.

then it .. progressed. i hoped for him to say something. i used the heart emojis and the blushing emojis, i even called him "luv" a few times. it was.. faster than i necessarily planned but i didn't really feel like i was rushing with this guy either. it had a pace and i didn't mind it, i was just taking it step by step so.. it was fine.. ig.

then he started calling me "babygirl" and.. i guess i haven't been called that in a long time.. not sincerely at least. i wasn't sure how to feel.. i even kind of distanced myself after i didn't know how to wrap my head around it completely. i should've just said skim thing about it to him but.. i was scared.

it's weird though because.. i felt as though i was super confident and able to do all these things i wasn't able to before but.. almost just physically. my appearance i grew into.. but on the inside?

well.. i've been hiding demons for a while now that if i fully shared.. i think i would be taken away by authorization. it's a lot of shit that.. no one would really understand.. and trying to explain it to my closest friends makes them not want to be around someone who is just.. sad all the time.. and recently, i've wondered if that were a reason for others leaving my life as well. just got tired of the sadness i consumed myself in.. but they didn't understand.. no one did.

i've felt misunderstood for so long by everyone i've surrounded myself with.. so, with this new guy.. i.. hid. i hid everything about my insecurities, my sensitivities, my broken past. i didn't want to get deep into who i was or why i act the way i do because.. i didn't want to scare him off. i didn't want to have him think i was just a girl who needed to be saved. a girl who is so troubled that she's not attractive.. just a burden. i don't want to drive people away with my stories.. with just.. who i am.. i've done it enough and i can't stand it happening over and over again anymore so.. i hid.

i didn't tell him about my dysfunctional family and the constant drinking, fighting, issues, wanting to escape, drama, and big girl decisions that happened at home.

i didn't tell him about how wrecked i am from the first "relationship" i ever had. how damaging i look at myself and my body and sex as a whole. how there's certain things that trigger me that honestly don't make sense but i was trained to believe love was one way.. and that was it. so trying to break that curse with someone new has only hurt me.. and hurt them. so i kept that from him..

i didn't tell him about my health issues. being diagnosed with rhabdomylosis after the numerous times i've passed out. realizing i've reached a state where it's irreversible and if i don't take care of myself.. i'll simply decay into nothing but skin and bone since my body attacked my own muscles. it explains a lot of why i'm simply just.. unhealthy and weak all the time. finally an answer i guess.. just kind of scary one.. but i didn't want sympathy or a pity party, i didn't want to have to explain it. so, as far as he knows.. i'm perfectly healthy and capable of doing all things a strong and fit person can.