Chasing Tide (A Merman's Tale And The Human Who Desired Him)

LOST YOU ONCE.

Chapter: 81.
*****

"Alex-"

"You had to make sure you have completely broken me, and in my lowest, you appeared, like an angel who's saving the day, only you were saving yourself, you don't care about me."

"That's not true!" Matthew protested weakly, his jaw clenching. Listening to him say all these things were killing him. Yes, he did wrong. Yes, he took the wrong approach, but that doesn't mean any of these things he's said were true. Every time his men reported back to him the pictures they delivered had Alexander looking happy, it was until his near-death experience that he knew he needed to act more quickly and be more open with his intentions and then he had kissed him that day in his company. "I do care about you, Alexander... I care so much that I acted without thinking. I just didn't want to lose you again, okay!" His voice cutting.

"Lose me again?" Alexander asked, looking up at the man. "What do you mean by that?" He looked at him quizzically, frowning in confusion.

"When we met... I lost you... I had only just realized my heart sang for you but just as happily and as loudly as it had sung it ran cold when you introduced her to me as your girlfriend... I lost you that day, Alexander, you were so happy being with her, I saw the stars in your eyes twinkle whenever you looked at her and I didn't want to put their fire out so I stepped back, keeping my emotions hidden, I wanted you to be happy and I was willing to sacrifice my love for you for that happiness and it broke me because I could read between the lies… her lies… I knew Maria never loved you as much as you did her, but if I told you that then, would you have believed me?"

"No, you wouldn't. So, I moved to the back seat and watched, like an unwanted guest at a party I sat alone, unnoticed, undesired, I watched you with her. You were way over your head for her and she was happy to use you to her satisfaction. I wanted so badly to tell you, to pull you away from her deceitful embrace and engulf you in mine but whenever I saw that twinkle in your eyes, I would take a step back, that is how much I was willing to endure for you because I knew it's only a matter of time until she showed you her true colors and I waited, I hoped, day after day, that someday I might get a chance but that day never came and my heart never sang again." Matthew explained, his voice trembling. "I lost you that day, Alexander and when I got my second chance I was willing to do all it takes to make sure you don't slip away this time." He finished quietly, not meeting Alexander's gaze, afraid to see the disappointment he was expecting to be there in their depths.

Alexander was quiet, the words sinking into his chest and slowly suffocating him until he couldn't breathe. He could feel a lump rising in his throat but he ignored it and turned toward Matthew. "Even if it meant using my feelings, my weakness to attain this goal?" He asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper. Matthew finally met his gaze and Alexander saw tears brimming in the corners of his eyes. "Even though I was already hurting and you're the last person in the world I wanted to feel pain from?" He asked quietly again. 

"I'm sorry," Matthew whispered. "I searched for you, Alexander, when they told me you dropped out of school, I was hurt but not as much as I was when I learned you had gotten married to her but yet I waited, I couldn't let you go away from me again, I acted without thinking and I'm sorry for all the pain I might have caused you if I could take back the times, I would because the last thing I want is to see you hurting like you are right now."

Alexander sighed, he felt empty inside, he knew what he was feeling; anger, frustration, disappointment, and fear. But there was more to it, there was always something deeper in the pit of his stomach. It was something like grief but it had a bitter taste coating the edges of each tear that fell. Alexander knew that deep inside, he had sadness, regret, and a feeling of loss but there was also longing and something much deeper... so deep it felt like his heart was going to split open with its ache. "Why?" Alexander choked out after several minutes of silence. "Why did you do it? Why did you do all this?"

"Because I love you, Alexander, always have, only you, no one else. I know my approach wasn't the best recommendation but I wasn't thinking straight, I only just wanted you." 

Alexander shook his head in disagreement, he didn't believe him. What kind of love would go to this extreme? Was he even worth all that trouble? He gave love to Maria and she used his love against him. And now here is a man who is claiming to have loved only him all his life and what's worse done so much to make sure he kept that love protected. Alexander turned toward the man and his eyes caught the glowing pendant around his neck and for a moment there he forgot their fight. This was one of the reasons he got close himself, to find out about that pendant, to know if he would be able to help Tide through him. Was he selfish? Did he simply just use Matthew to gain something? No. That can't be it. Yes, he wanted to learn about that pendant, yes, he needed to help Tide and yes, he had fallen for the man in the process, and what they shared meant so much to him. Was he guilty? He was lying to Matthew too but not as heavy as the other had lied to him this entire time and speaking of lies, who knows what the pendant holds. Was he even ready to find out?

"What about that?" Alexander asked, pointing to the pendant around his neck. "You know, I wanted to ask about the pendant around your neck last night but you were asleep so I didn’t want to disturb you. Do you mind me asking why you wear that?” He heaved a sigh and waited, something tells him whatever answers Matthew had would sting as much as the previous had.

Matthew sighed heavily, “This was given to me by my Grandmother who got it from her mother and so for generations, this little heartache has run around the family." 

“Why?” Alexander questioned curiously. "What does it symbolize?"

"It is said to hold the remnant of Atana's Soulpearl."

"What?"

"Let me finish…" he implored and Alexander held his tongue. "My grandmother passed away many years ago but on the day she died, she had given me this necklace, it got sealed into my neck because I could never take it off, and believe me, I've tried. She told me to keep it safe and only when the one who can have it comes will it leave my neck." Matthew continued and Alexander tried to wrap his head around what he was saying.

So, he knew about the Merfolks?