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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Ok, I honestly can't believe I'm writing this letter, but you wanna know why I'm writing it? Because of Naomi, her and that excuse, do it for the kids. Them damn kids don't even know the Easter bunny, how do they know Santa? Casey thinks he's a cookie. She gonna eat Santa, now? I gotta cannibal for a daughter.

When I was younger, my foster parents use to force me to write these stupid things. I always did and I never got what I wanted. I found them in the trash too, I wasn't a completely dumb child. I just ran into walls for dumb stuff thinking I was a ghost and could walk through walls and shit. Platform 9 and 3/4, here I come.

You're stupid reindeer, Rudolph? Yeah that little red-nosed weasel got me punched by Naomi. She had a zit on her nose and I called her Naomi the red nosed reindeer and she punched me. That girl can't take a joke.

Naomi wants this bracelet or something from the mall, it had a penguin on it. She wants to add a duck to it and call it a penguin duck. What in the hell is a penguin duck? One flys and the other one doesn't, one likes snow and the other likes water. The things she comes up with make absolutely no sense.

But when she looks at me with those blue eyes and says daddy please, I can't help but be under her spell. She has this evil winning smirk she does afterwards too, Casey is a spitting image of her. She knows how to get me in trouble because I let her do what she wants. They're tag teaming me here and I need some ammo. Being hot can't help for everything.

Ok, what I want for Christmas, I honestly have everything I want. I have an amazing fiancé and three amazing kids, I get to watch my dream girl walk down the aisle in white and my kids dressed up. I can't get the honeymoon idea out of my head, Naomi in a white dress and out of it is beautiful. I wanted a sports bike but Naomi told me if I ever bought one, she'd run it over three times and then beat it with a baseball bat. I can't ever want anything!

Anyway, for once can I get something I want? Football gear would be nice, a new car, or some new lingerie for Naomi. She doesn't need it to tease me but it makes nights interesting. She's my little freak in the bedroom.

And she's still mad at me for dropping Sadie, that damn girl is like a stick of butter. We were walking through the park and Justice threw the football to me. I went to catch it and I dropped Sadie, she didn't cry so I didn't kill her. Naomi almost killed me, she almost pushed me out the window. She threw my phone out the window and told me to go after it. She's crazy man, but I love her.

Ok well I'm done with this list and if I don't get some loving from Naomi for this, I'm so gonna have a basic white girl moment.

From,
        Daddy Jake

P.S. Casey wanted to try and catch you so she put a mouse trap in the cookies. Just wanted to warn you big guy, she's a sneaky girl disguised as an angel!