How to Survive South Park

Game: Start

"Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" New Kid's dad recites his voice line and I'm too stunned to give him a reply.

Good thing New Kid isn't supposed to talk.

'Okay, that's it. Cheese can keep his records. I gotta take a break from speedrunning when I either wake up or stop going fucking insane.'

As my 'parents' ramble on like they do in the game, I'm secretly pinching myself to try and wake the hell up, but nothing is working.

Don't tell me that Not Freeman drugged his fucking burrito. This isn't the Big Lez Show, goddamnit! This is South Park and-

Wait a second.

Wait one fucking second.

MORGAN FREEMAN, THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Did that guy seriously just get me isekai'd to South Park of all places?!? Did I crap myself to death like Kenny did in that world wide recorder concert episode? Is he god or something? Was that movie 'Evan Almighty' on to something?

"He doesn't remember." "He doesn't remember at all." "That's good. That's good he doesn't remember."

'Huh? Oh, right. Parent's dialogue. Luckily, the New Kid is completely mute so me standing here with a blank expression is normal for them.'

Only after they leave do I begin silently freaking the fuck out.

'Okokok, so Morgan Freeman decided to do his own take on Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint for whatever reason and I'm now in the world of my favorite TV show where murder, death, and destruction happen to be normal occurrences and the character you're currently inhabiting is going to be at the fucking epicenter of it for the foreseeable future.'

The more I think things through, the more I realize how completely screwed I am. To summarize, the New Kid goes through so much shit in the first week alone that I'm surprised they haven't lost it and murdered most of the main cast.

Him becoming a villain was teased at the end of Fractured but Whole, but Phone Destroyer showed that the South Parkers were a-okay and ready to use him as their pawn once again.

Not only that, but if this world is as real as I think it is, respawning isn't an option. I'm only gonna have one shot to get this right.

'Well, at the very least, I know how this shit is supposed to go down. That's more than people like Rimuru from Tensura or even Momonga from Overlord can say. If I play my cards right, then I just might make it out of this in one piece.

I walk over to the bathroom and take a good look at the new me. I'm actually pretty similar to how I looked before which is nice. I have short brown hair, brown eyes, and I'm wearing a light red t-shirt under a light gray hoodie with a large pocket in the center and dark gray stripes going across the front of it.

I'm also wearing dark blue jeans and gray shoes. It's pretty much a copy of what I was wearing before only shrunken and changed to fit the typical south park kid's body.

After splashing some water on my face, I begin to think. If I really do only have one life here, then I need to make sure that I don't waste it. I'll simply use my (most likely) unhealthy amounts of knowledge regarding this world to become as overpowered as possible so I don't kick the bucket from aliens or zombies or Christmas Critters or Team Stan being retards.

The only question now is how.

As the New Kid, I already have both the arsenal of farting and social media powers with the former being easy enough to get down after a few tries.

I've played SOT so many times that doing them now based on the in-game descriptions isn't much of a problem. I'm able to use Dragon Shout, Cup-a-Spell, and Sneaky Squeaker after a few minutes of practice, but I hold off on Nagasaki as I don't want to reduce the bathroom to rubble.

I decided to head out right after as I don't want to get kicked out before getting the money the New Kid's mom left me. Or is it my mom now? I don't know. Mind answering that for me, Freeman?...

No? Well it was worth a shot. Guess adding another freckle to the collection on his face wasn't worth it.

I skip the toilet game which I don't think is a thing here yet, grab the free kitchen cash, and go outside while brainstorming other ways to become strong enough to survive week one. The New Kid's current powers are helpful, but I'm gonna need much more than that since I'm pretty sure I didn't inherit his plot armor.

Diamond of Pantheos? No, while it isn't connected to Mecha-Streisand 2.0, I have no idea where the celebrities' construction site is or if it's even still there. Imaginationland? Nope, singing the song alone isn't enough. I either need a magical blimp or the government's portal device and the easier of the two to get is probably in some top secret government storage facility.

Satanic powers? Well anything having to do with the woodland critters is a huge no but maybe Henrietta or the other goths could teach me a few tricks if I beat up some vamp kids for them? There was supposed to be a whole section involving them in SOT but it got cut out in the end. Could I make that happen here somehow? I'll put that under the 'Maybe' pile for now.

'Holy hell, it's cold out here!'

That's my first thought when leaving the house. My second thought is how I'm gonna kick the ass of the guy who's currently beating up Butters. It's pretty surreal seeing him up close in all his animated glory, but I ignore the shock for now and punch the drow elf beating him up in the back of the head.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating. I'm gonna go tell my mom!" The kid runs away after complaining a bit and Butters thanks me right after. I then realize that I now have a huge decision to make.

Do I talk?

I tested out talking in the bathroom earlier and I can do it just fine so that's not an issue, but if I constantly speak, then the story could change drastically. Then again, unlike the canon New Kid, I could actually defend myself verbally instead of just giving in to people's unreasonable fetch quests.

I have no reason to go for a 100 percent run collecting facebook friends and Chinpokomon here. I'm playing with my life on the line, so giving myself a handicap like that would just be stupid.

"My- My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

"Nice to meet you, Butters. I'm Dovahkiin ,but you can call me Dovah for short if you want."

I ultimately decided to not go through this mute like canon as I feel like being able to actually talk would make things much easier for me in the long run. I also decided to go by the New Kid's canon name... or at least I think it's canon since that's what the government guy calls the New Kid and there aren't any hints at another name for them.

We friend each other on Facebook and head over to the wizard's house with me avoiding the personal questions like where I used to live since I have no clue what most of the New Kid's past life was like and I don't want any incorrect answers involving the New Kid's past coming back to bite me.

Eventually after some awkward one-sided conversations, we reach the plain-looking green house, and after some knocking, I see the man, the myth, the fatass himself, Eric Cartman, in the massive heap of flesh.

"So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom." Cartman recites his in-game line and I brace myself for what's to come.

Well, no turning back now. Let's fucking do this. Game: Start.