How to Survive South Park

Sibling Wars Part 2 - Screw You, Cthulhu

"So here's the deal." The god states bluntly to the empress. "You play along with this and I will not only fix the damage afterwards, but also keep the Dark Angel off your timeline's radar."

What follows is a fit of muffled curses by the frazzled princess.

"Is this your way of torturing me for kicks, you sick fuck? Sending a variant of MY little sister to fuck up my timeline? The world I worked so hard to achieve peace in for her, torn apart by the hands of another her?!"

"Pretty sure I said I would fix everything afterwards. Also, are you really gonna try and claim the moral high ground right now, Ken? You're the absolute ruler of a world where the Japanese reign supreme and all other races basically get the same treatment the jews got from Nazis in World War 2.

You started a war with the rest of the world that killed over a billion people and made a pact with a literal dark eldritch deity to win. Before that, you secretly plotted with the LOD to get Akihito, the former emperor of Japan, murdered and then betrayed the LOD like a week later after becoming empress yourself by having the few members loyal to you like Robert Smith and Leonard Maltin go kaiju mode and wipe them out in one fell swoop.

Oh, and before all of that happened, you became a Japanese princess in the first place way back when Japan was brainwashing kids in America through Chinpokomon. You helped get the South Park kids hooked on that stuff and made sure the adults couldn't stop them, unlike in the baseline timeline.

Of course, the rest of Japan doesn't know that. The celebrities you started the third world war over were simply hiding in their ivory towers while throwing their fans around the world at Japan according to your propaganda. Not a bad plan for a rookie mastermind. The Time Patrol 'conveniently' finding your timeline was simply extra insurance for your rule. You just had to play to that CEO's tune. Isn't that right, Exalted Agent?"

"...HOW?!?"

"I do my research." Dovah smirks at the miffed and muffled South Parker.

A round of silence follows as any remaining hope the Exalted Princess has takes a skydive.

"You're just like him... sucks that you two couldn't murder each other for me." Kenny sighs.

"Like either of us would die that easily." The Fallen Dragonborn chirps back. "Anyway, I hope you realize that this is happening no matter what, Kenny. I can literally use a telepathy combo to bring you and your entire empire under my complete control before wiping you all out with a thought once your use has run out. I'm trying to play nice here, but I have no time for bullshit."

"You could've just said this was an ultimatum rather than a choice. Also, you should know by now how protective I am of Karen McCormick regardless of what world she comes from. She doesn't deserve your hatred; she doesn't deserve to be the Tomura to your All For One."

"I care about my Karen McCormick more than you do yours Kenny, and before you throw a shitfit about that claim, keep in mind that you lie to yours every damn day because you know she would hate you if she ever learned the truth. At least I'm honest with mine.

I understand your need to keep her happy, and frankly, I would do the same thing if I was in your shoes. I would also fuck over the entire world if that's what it took to make her happy, and I will create a better version of this world in Imaginationland just for her before sending her there and wiping out this world if you don't cooperate.

She won't have a clue about it and she'll continue to be happy as the princess she deserves to be. Meanwhile, you and the rest of your world will be permanently dead. It's a win-win in my book, Kenny, but the choice is all yours."