How to Survive South Park

Game Night

"Y'know, normally I'd be insulted that a couple of numbnuts were sent to bring me to whatever this police force of yours is, but it's probably for the best that I'm being underestimated right now." I monologue as I walk across the three tied up bodies I threw into one of the Chili Con Carnival's booth things.

These kids aren't even South Parkers, just random goons.

"I mean, if grunts like you are getting tech this advanced, then just imagine what-"

"ENOUGH with the monologuing, asshole!" Grunt number one interrupts my tangent and I just sigh in response.

"Look, I told you guys, if you're gonna call me anything, it better be Maybe. 'Cause I just met you. And this is crazy."

"Do you have any idea who you're messing with right now, Dovahkiin?"

"No, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer on the board: Name the douchebag who's in charge."

"Vincent... Van Go %&#$ Yourself."

"Hmm. Vincent Van Go %&#$ Myself. Survey says..."

(("Trapper Keeper ready for absorption."))

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"GAAAHHH!" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Grunts 1 and 2 freak out as my arm turns into a mess of wires that eat grunt 3's legs.

(("Message from Zenon. He wants to know if your okay because he hears screaming.")) Tell him I'm fine.

My brobot is like an innocent child right now and I'm not tainting him by having him witness one of my rampages.

(("Pretty sure he already-")) So I told him to just have fun at the carnival for now until I finish working. The roller coasters and ferris wheels are pretty nice when you don't have to worry about legions of ginger robots murdering you mid-ride.

"YOU FUCKING SON OF A HOAR!!!"

"Save it for the 'Fast Money Round', grunt number 3. Now grunt number 2, hundred people survey, number one answer still on the board: Name the douchebag who's in charge!"

"..."

"EHEH! Need an answer!" The fucker then spits at me.

"Hmm, cock-flavored spit." I mutter after wiping it off. "Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. LET ME SEE COCK-FLAVORED SPIT..."

(("Trapper Keeper ready for absorption."))

"AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHAAAAA!!!!"

"You guys, that's two strikes. One more and the gingerbots get a chance to steal the bank!" Not being able to read their minds is very annoying to put it lightly. I even tried combining Bewitched Beckoning and Zarganor's mental powers, but I still can't get by that stupid mental barrier they all have up.

I thought it was their armor doing this at first, but I already tore the metal suits off their bodies and they don't have any cybernetic implants in them according to T.K's scanners. That means a telepath has to be responsible and considering how easily my attacks are being ward off, this guy isn't an amateur. They're probably far beyond even Timmy from my timeline.

(("Report: Subjects have a telekinetic static barrier around their brains which interfere with any signals sent to their minds with the hosts own telepathic abilities. Cannot disable at the moment, but the telepath responsible can't read their minds when doing this either. They would have to put the barrier down first.")) Yeah, not even Timmy from my timeline could do something that precise.

"Y'know, for grunts, you guys are seriously loyal to whatever cause this is, and you don't strike me as batshit insane cultists either. I'm guessing the telepathy in you does more than protect you from outside influences; it controls you at least partially as well."