How to Survive South Park

Multiverse Theory Is Still a Female Dog

"Not... again." South Park is in flames, bodies of my friends, both old and new are all around me, and Tweek's skull just got crushed by Butters' giant anime villain foot.

"Not again." I can only stand there as he laughs at me.

"Ha ha ha... Did you really think you could stop bad things from happening?" My shock slowly starts to transform into anger.

"Don't you see that Chaos always catches up with you?" I don't even realize the reference to Fractured but Whole as blood starts to drip down from my clenched fists. I'm too angry to care right now.

The bastard begins to walk towards me with his arms out wide as he finishes he stupid fucking monologue.

"There's only one truth in this life, Dovah. No matter how hard you try to change the past... you would have always failed to save your family as Chaos crushed them; killed them one by one while You. Ran. Away."

I fought, god did I fight, but no matter what I did, what strategy I came up with, what powers I used, what knowledge I applied... it was all hopeless in the end. All I got in exchange was a punch here, a kick there, and a chaos blast that sent me flying across what little is left of South Park.

Butters effortlessly caught up to me after blasting me away and treated me like a deformed ping pong ball as he slapped me around before punting me into the air and kicking me back down to the wrecked mountain town.

*BOOOOOOOOOM*

Only my legs and feet aren't buried and Butters grabs one of those limbs to pull me out of the Earth once he lands. He then chuckles a bit before punching me again and again and flips me back over to knee me in the stomach.

Several more attacks come the instant after that and he then summons his Hammer of Chaos, the gift Timmy made for him to crush me into bloody paste.

Several hits cave my body in before he switches to the sharp end of his torture tool to slash me up with instead. His final cut results in him suddenly appearing behind me in a blur and blood erupting from my chest as I fall back down to the ground.

His own landing is much more forceful this time, enough to send me a bit into the air. I don't waste this brief opening and immediately teleport behind him, throwing a few punches and kicks myself. They don't do fucking jack and I get some distance before charging back at him to try another method.

"PROMINENCE..." My eyes glow purple as my body is encompassed in flames.

"BURN!!!"

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

I unleash the massive beam of flames at him point blank which evaporates whatever rubble is left of South Park in its path as well as several mountains behind it.

I can't even stand at this point. My body is too damaged and I have no energy left to heal with.

I don't technically need to breathe anymore, and yet I still find myself gasping for air.

I try to summon what little power I have left, but all that comes out are a few sparks that disperse as fast as they form.

And the smoke slowly dissipates revealing Butters standing there without a scratch. My throat is grabbed and my gaze is met with his.

"Hmmmm, well well, even after all those beatings, you still have the will to stand against me. You really are an interesting fella, Dovah... but I'm starting to get bored with you, so... which way do you want me to kill you?"