How to Survive South Park

May the Best Race (Elves) Win

The battle begins as the elves charge the front, the pirates attack from behind, and the goths reclaim their smoking territory.

"The front's barricaded! Commander Dovahkiin, see if you can get in through the side entrance and take out their defenses from behind."

"Got it! Ranger, Bard, with me."

Let's do this. I had not one but two training montages to prepare for this fight and while the spiked coffee is beginning to wear off, the adrenaline is a good enough substitute.

We head over to the goths area where they cleared out the humans and Jimmy uses his handicapable magic to get the door open but not before we loot the corpses. I've only been taking money from whatever "corpses" I come across since there's only so much junk I can hold without access to hammerspace.

I already have tons of potions on me in the form of snacks and drinks and along with my trusty baton stick. I also got a sword similar to Stans from the armory as a backup before heading over to the school. Stan also picked up a shield to use and Jimmy brought along some extra instruments for this fight.

I usually just stick to my baton but I can dual wield if I need to. Most of my magic attacks don't require any hands to use and spells like Sneaky Squeaker and Cup-a-Spell can be done one handed easily enough.

I put on the Dragonborn theme from Skyrim on my phone since come on, my name here is literally Dovahkiin so how could I not? We then head in and start to tear through humans left and right.

Jimmy summons an army of rats from around the trashed kitchen and Stan summons Sparky to help out as well. Stan along with the summons were in front most of the time while I mainly supported using my arsenal of magic spells right behind them. Jimmy is in the rear launching brown noise and lullabye debuff notes or spells plus the occasional crossbow shot whenever he gets the chance.

I can see why only one buddy at a time can be summoned in game since the three of us and our summons are annihilating any humans in our way. Barricades mean nothing to us as the rats climb up from the floor or fall down from the vents and take care of the human sentries while I tear the blockades down with bone hands or fart spells when they're done.

We get through the initial defenses and approach the basement in record time. Butters hasn't even said his initial plea to the New Kid yet. Even my old speedruns can't compare to the time I'm making right now.

'Huh, it's been a while since I thought about speedrunning. Wait, no, it's only been a few hours since then. Fuck, it feels like I've been here for ages already even though it's only been like a day. I guess that's just a South Park thing.'

Looking back, I've probably gone through more crazy shit in the last 24 hours than I have in the rest of my life. Is this really my life now? While all these new powers will hopefully help me with surviving in this world, there's a lot more to living here than just outright survival. What should I do when Stick of Truth and Fractured but Whole is over? Should I see if Freeman can bring me back?

"Come on commander, we'll take a shortcut through the basement."

Oh yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of a war right now.

I decided to shelve the issue for now and focus on the present and that present is being the main protagonist in a fantasy game involving my favorite TV show and saving this world from the evil, manipulative, cheating, downright despicable ruler of darkness. Oh, and stopping Clyde too.

We head down to the basement where Kyle isn't waiting for us.

'That's weird, isn't he supposed to be here? He couldn't have gotten infected, right? Maybe he's outside commanding the troops since there are more people here than in canon.'