How to Survive South Park

The First Final Battle Part 2

When I wake up, I immediately notice something wet and cold on my forehead. I quickly jolted up only to see Craig in front of me, holding a thermos.

"Drink this and keep the cold towel on, it helps calm Tweek down and lessens fevers so it should work fine with you. Either your powers, lack of sleep, or overexertion is making your body burn up. My guess is all three."

"Uuuuugh, wha... what happened? How long have I been out for?"

"A few hours. Wizard Fatass and his band of merry men just entered the fortress. The zombies caused them more of a problem as time went on due to them turning Zaron's army against themselves. Never tell Clyde I said he was right or he won't let me hear the end of it."

I give a smirk at this.

"Don't worry, your slip up is safe with me. Thanks, Craig."

"You can thank me by curing the zombies and ending this shitshow. You and Kenny know how to, right? Why else would you tell him to willingly infect you if you died?" He holds the vial I gave him in my face while confronting me.

"Ok yeah, I know how to cure them. Long story short, I have to break the "gentleman's oath" and fart on Kenny's balls. Weird but I know much weirder stuff has happened here."

"And yet you still chose to hang out with them? Trust me, Stan and his group bring everyone nothing but trouble. I once got stranded in Peru during a giant guinea pig apocalypse thanks to them. You shouldn't throw your life away for people like them."

"I know." I sigh to the flipper-offer. "But I kind of had to play their game to save everyone. It's complicated but I'm trying to stop shit from spiraling out of control and yes, I know that the current situation is the definition of that but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. Believe me, I don't want any part of their crazy adventures. I want to stop it to save everyone else, but sometimes, it just can't be stopped."

I explain this to Craig as I lay down and drink the medicine. He has a look of genuine concern on his face which I really wasn't expecting to give someone he only met a few days ago. Someone like Tweek I can understand but me?

"Look, I know you mean well, Dovahkiin. This town is crazy, plain and simple. Everyone here has their own little quirks and can be total idiots sometimes. I should know, I've had to look after four of said idiots for years now and you're making it five. Despite the mood swings, bullshit powers, and unhealthy obsession for fighting, you're a pretty cool guy to hang out with, which is why I would prefer it if you didn't throw your life away here from overexertion."

'Wow, and here I thought Tolkien would be the mom of the group. I really wish Team Craig got more screen time so I could've seen stuff like this. I'm glad he looks out for more than just Tweek and Stripe here.'

"Thanks Craig, that really means a lot. I know I've been pushing myself way too much lately and I intend to end most if not all of this crap tonight. All that's left is getting Cartman off my back and ending this stupid apocalypse with Kenny."

I slowly get up and while I'm still tired, I feel a lot better than I did before.

"The hero's party should be here soon. I plan on making Cartman shit himself in sheer terror but I'll need your help to hold off the others. Once that's done, I have one more quick thing to do with Kenny and this nightmare will be over. You mind helping me out?"

Craig groans at this but eventually agrees since he isn't a big fan of Cartman either so he agreed to give me a hand.

"Here's one more piece of advice, don't let them rope you into this stuff in the future. I still beat myself over accepting those assholes' Peruvian sales pitch."