How to Survive South Park

Guard's Worst Nightmare

Kenny and I head over to Tweek's Coffee where the twitchy blond freaks out after finding out we already got the delivery for him but I use the excuse of Cartman telling us ahead of time and he heads over to Kupa Keep after he gets permission from his dad. We then make our way over to Tolkien's where we find a puking, crying, somewhat traumatized Butters a few dozen feet away.

'Oh fucking hell no! My New Kid in game has been tortured one too many times by this ass (I wasn't always good at speedrunning the game) and seeing Butters like this in real life is the last fucking straw! Your days of pepper spraying people are over, motherfucker!'

I march on over to the security guard in front of Tolkien's house and restrain his arms using two bone hands before he can say a word. I then grab the pepper spray from his belt and growl, "Let's see how you like it when someone pepper sprays YOU back to the Stone Age!"

I unload about a third of the can into his eyes as he screams and pukes everywhere. Luckily, Dire Shroud acts as a shield that can block the puke. After about 30 seconds of being sprayed, he passes out and I walk back to my two blond party members and use Dire Shroud on Butters. This freaks him out at first but I let him know that it's a healing ability I got and he is all better after around 30 seconds or so.

I then pocket the pepper spray and his baton which may come in handy later on. Next, I hand Cartman's letter over to Tolkien but stop him from asking his mom to drive him to Cartman's house. It wouldn't hurt to have an extra pair of hands available to help me break Craig out of deten- I mean Overlord Mackey's evil lair.

I should have invited Tweek to come too but I didn't think of doing this at the time. Oh well.

The four of us head over to South Park Elementary with Cartman commenting like crazy on the video that was somehow taken of me owning Tolkien's security guard. My social media powers made the thing explode in popularity and #StoneAge is now trending on Facebook.

We enter the school where a lone hallway monitor is keeping guard. This is gonna be fun.

Meanwhile, in the Detention Room:

"No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework! Mkay, I've got all the doors SEALED and-"

"Kkkkkksssshhhh Officer down! Officer down! Send ba-AAAHHHH kkkkkkkksssssshhhhhhh... testing, testing, hello idiots. I'm here for a one thief Feldspar who is currently needed by the Grand Wizard of Kupa Keep."

"Now listen here, mkay! His name is Craig Tucker and he's in detention so get out of here or I'll have my hallway monitors all over your ass!"

"If you do not deliver Feldspar to the front entrance of the dungeon, then-"

"All hallway monitors to the school's front entrance, mkay! Send this kid and anyone else with him straight to detention, mkay!"

"...very well then. Ladies and gingers, thank you for accepting this suicide mission. Your target, a one New Kid, has been REALLY bored lately and will enjoy the shit outta this. Each one of you fine hallway monitors will be sacrificed for his amusement. Your unavoidable deaths will become the stuff of legend. Every new recruit will hear the story of the time a group of hallway monitors got locked in South Park Elementary School and were killed one by one in glorious service to this dumbass enforcer club you joined. Good luck out there, and thank you for your service. kkkksssshhhh"

"...oh god damnit!"

Kenny, Butters, and Token are looking at me with various expressions of pants-shitting fear right now as I finish up my little Venture Bros inspired warning.