How to Survive South Park

Dust to Dust

I walk up to the South Park sign just outside of town and stare at the place I've been calling home for over 5 years now.

I was supposed to be finished with college and at some desk job by now, but then I paid $19.99 for a magic burrito from God at his Mexican restaurant and became an extremely overpowered and animated eternal ten year old instead after farting through realities.

The bike parade ended and things really quieted down afterwards with the last few months basically being a cottagecore arc; something I very much appreciated. There were no Team Stan adventures as Stan was dead and Kenny has been done with that stuff for years now.

As for the other two old members of that friend group, Cartman and Kyle have actually grown pretty close over the last few months to the point where you could probably call them 'super best friends' now like what Kyle once was with Stan.

They've pretty much been inseparable after the war we started... I'm glad they both have someone to comfort them.

I'm also glad that inadvertently caused Cartman to not do a single evil thing to anyone (small things like name-calling don't count) in like 3 months. According to Kenny, this is a massive record breaker.

Now while Cartman didn't do anything, Randy did end up starting Tegridy Farms like a month after the war due to a completely unrelated reason then in canon (relapse maybe?).

Needless to say, the business was dismantled less than 24 hours after it was set up and Randy was dealt with by the now cultist-controlled government for us once I alerted them to the problem. We won't be hearing from Randy Marsh ever again.

As for Shelly and Sharon (Stan's mom and sister), they were given a large settlement thanks to the quote unquote "accident" that made Randy go away for good and are currently living peaceful enough lives in Denver Colorado.

It starts to snow here yet again and I try to catch a few snowflakes with my tongue like always. I don't care if it's childish since I'm probably gonna be a child forever now unless those Post Covid specials come into play at some point.

I've celebrated my 10th birthday 5 times now and it's like I'm in a glitch in the Matrix or something. That never stops being weird for me and it probably never will.

Very little character development was done over the course of the show, but I guess I changed that by being here among many other things. People like Kenny are nearly unrecognizable personality wise when compared to their canon counterparts.

Speaking of the guy, finding out what the member berries were planning to do to Karen was the last straw for him. He wanted to go out and lead the cleanup of the remaining member berries himself but Karen managed to talk him down from starting Nahkriin 2.0 alongside Cthulhu's forces and the government they are currently controlling.

Kenny eventually folded after lots of crying and plenty of comfort from his little sister. I'm so proud of her and make sure to let her know that every single day.

I lean against the trademark sign and continue catching snow with my tongue for a while to pass the time. It's not like I have anything better to do at the moment

Now as for the others, Team Craig has been doing fine and they've been helping me move past Timmy's death as well as getting my shit together after starting a global war with various evil organizations that faded into obscurity over the course of the last few decades.

I still get nightmares involving ManBearPig sometimes, but I have my new surrogate brother and surrogate sisters to comfort me when I jolt awake in the middle of the night, scared out of my goddamn mind.