How to Survive South Park

Light at the Distorted Tunnel's End

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

'Oh COME ON! ALREADY?!?" I check my phone to see that I've been asleep for about four hours. More than the last two days combined but not nearly enough to function properly.

I groan as I get out of bed and head to the bathroom to check if any future New Kid or future me has decided to come here after fucking up who knows when. The bathroom is empty so I head back to my room and look out the window to see... nothing?

'That's odd, shouldn't we be fighting the Moorish right now? Even if I never became king, the humans and elves still united and I gave the same answer yesterday as New Kid did in canon.'

I know I didn't oversleep because if the battle was over, then there should still be signs of it across my street but there's nothing.

'Did it not start yet? It's never really shown when the war begins. It's the day after SOT so there shouldn't be school yet. Even South Park can't rebuild itself that fast. Does the battle happen in the afternoon?'

"Hello, Dovahkiin."

"Wha- AH HOLY SHIT! Ken- uh, Mysterion?!? When did you get here? When did you respawn? Did you ever learn how to knock?"

"I've been waiting at your house for around an hour now. I was hoping to get some answers on what's supposed to be happening right now due to the lack of action and Cartman."

(("My thoughts exactly.")) Timmy broadcasts in our minds as he teleports into my room. Are doors just invisible to these two?

(("I've been looking all throughout town for things like 6th graders stealing cats and the Scrambles posters but there is nothing. I also checked Cartman's house and found no evidence of his Mitch Connor plan. Mitch isn't even a member of the Chamber of Commerce right now and Cartman hasn't left his bed since last night as it were."))

"What? Did I scare him into backing out of it or something? But with how complicated the plan is, he should've set it up weeks in advance or at the very least, right after I moved here."

"Are you sure this is supposed to be happening this soon? Planning this much in such a short time seems like a lot, even for Cartman."

"Yes! I know for a fact that the events of Fractured But Whole happen the day after Stick of Truth despite it not making any sense in... the... timeline. Oh. So that's how this is happening, huh?"

(("Care to explain your sudden revelation, Dovah?"))

"Yeah, sure. It's a bit complicated so do your best to follow along."

Essentially, you can say that there are two different timelines for the South Park series. One where SOT and TFBW happen and one where they don't. I won't bother thinking about the other South Park games since they don't really matter much if they even did happen which they would have already based on their release dates. Well, I guess Phone Destroyer is an exception but that doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, TFBW is stated to take place the day after SOT despite the games being multiple seasons apart when looking at the main series. Of course, this makes no sense in the timeline but I doubt that Matt and Trey really cared about that.

If I were to guess when the games happen in the main series based on release dates, then SOT would be between seasons 17 and 18 while TFBW happens in the middle of season 21 after the fourth episode, Franchise Prequel.

My current assumption is that this timeline is like a hybrid of the two where both the regular seasons and games happen on their corresponding release dates or at least close to them.

If I'm right about the game's placement in this particular timeline, then that means I have OVER 3 YEARS until I have to deal with the events of Fractured but Whole instead of the mere hours the New Kid has in his continuity.

I give Kenny and Timmy a similar explanation minus the parts where this world is revealed to be a cartoon series in my own world and breathe a sigh of relief as I can finally catch up on sleep. I tell them to keep an eye on the town in case anything changes and I hop back into bed, passing out seconds after my head hits the pillows.

The next time I wake up, I see Kenny and Timmy on their phones to my right. They are still dressed up in their superhero outfits and have bean bag chairs which I have no idea how they got up here or how Kenny even afforded one and I eventually give them a quick hello.

"Oh, hey dude! Are you feeling better?"

(A/N: Kenny's voice isn't muffled as Mysterion so no need for Italics)

Kenny is talking in his normal voice which throws me off for a second but I recover and let him know that yeah, I feel pretty good. Not perfect but way better than before. It appears to still be daytime so I ask how long I was out for.

"About 28 hours, give or take."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you were out for over a day, dude. Timmy telepathically tucked you in which was hilarious to watch. Don't worry about your parents, we let them know you're ok and just needed some rest. Oh, and school isn't resuming until tomorrow so you have nothing to make up."

Oh. No wonder I feel so much better. I ask them if anything changed since I passed out and according to them, no Morish attacked and no crime families were causing trouble.

"It's about time I got to see the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel."

"Fucked up doesn't do it justice. This tunnel was like the nightmare-fueled one in the Willy Wonka movie!" I have to agree with him there.

(("Well then we shouldn't have to worry about any world ending events for a while. Season 18 should be months away so we have plenty of time to recover. Kenny and I will leave you be for now. I suggest you either get some more rest or have some fun with Team Craig. You've earned it, Dovah. Goodbye for now."))

"Cya Timmy... wait a minute. How did you know about that stuff?"

(("I read your mind while you were unconscious. Our fandom is really fucked up."))

Son of a crippled bitch.

Timmy and Kenny leave, but not before I kick Kenny square in the balls for the little stunt he pulled at Clyde's house. I now feel mentally violated after what Timmy told me and just stand in place for a bit, trying to decide whether or not Timmy and possibly Kenny knowing everything is a good or bad thing. They didn't seem to be mad at me so I guess it isn't a completely bad thing.

A buzz from my phone ends up breaking me out of my several minute long stupor. I check it out only to see tons of text messages from Craig and those guys.

Turns out they added me to their group chat after the whole Stick of Truth thing and have had sent hundreds of texts while I was out cold ranging from Clyde whining about the destruction of his tree house to a few jokes from Jimmy to Tweek throwing out a couple conspiracy theories involving yours truly before finding out that I was added several hours before.

There were also a couple small clips of my fight with Kenny filmed by some of the drones present in the final battle. One shows the undead unicorn summon charging through and cutting the top of Clyde's fortress in half as I barely dodge out of the way. Another shows me going into grim fate for the first time in the battle and laying waste to Kenny before he uses that power-up too.

Holy shit we look awesome. If there are any government guys who still want to capture me now, they'll probably think twice about attempting it after watching these.

I sent a text letting them know I'm ok and was just sleeping for the last day and a half or so and then put my phone away before hopping back on my bed.

'Well, if TFBW is happening in several years, then I have a long time until Freeman shows back up. I guess this is really happening then. I'm now living in fucking South Park. I don't know if I should be thrilled or terrified. Probably both. Well, at least I have some friends and superpowers to help me out. The ads and member berries won't know what hit them with me around!'