How to Survive South Park

The Fractured But Whole

"The Moorish are attacking! There's Moorish everywhere!"

"Their armor's too strong! They're wearing bicycle helmets- AUGH!"

"Fellas! They've taken Kupa Keep!"

"Where the hell is Dovahkiin?"

After checking my bathroom again for any future New Kids or future me's, I summoned my costume, called my scepter to me, and exited my house only to see a war going on all over my street.

I take a quick look around, take a deep breath, and say to myself,

"And so... it begins."

Kyle is about to be slain by two Morish so I head over in an instant and block their sword strikes before they can land.

I may have never become king here like my mute counterpart but these guys are gonna wish it was King Douchebag facing them.

The faces of the two Moorish soon turned to shock as they didn't even see me coming. Once he stopped covering his eyes with his arm, Kyle's look went from terror to relief as he saw me in front of him. The smile never leaves my face.

I'm wearing my necromancer getup right now and lift my head up to stare the Moorish right in the eye as I twirl around and fling the one on my right away and slam my scepter into the one on my left, blasting him away.

The one on my right charges back in but I block his strike, flip over him, and use both my legs to kick him away before using the one hand I land on to flip myself upright.

"Oh shit, it's the necromancer! Ready the guards of the dark court!"

"You mean those guards?" I point over to said guards who are currently being telepathically lifted in the air via my scepter and thrown towards me as I summon several purple flame-covered bone hands in front of me to catch them and slam them into the ground.

"The filthy Moorish are trying to take over our base, Dovahkiin! We have to head to Cartman's house!"

"That won't be a problem. I'll carve a path for us." Over a dozen Moorish charge at me but I effortlessly swat them away like flies. There's no need for me to have a tutorial here. I'm far more powerful now then the New Kid ever was.

This is what I wanted. To be strong enough to do anything I wish, even here where everyone is supposed to beat the main character down until they're nothing more than an obedient errand boy. To be the puppetmaster instead of the puppet the New Kid was.

The dragon makes its appearance and shoots a wave of fire at me but I simply pull a Broly and walk straight through it. The kids' eyes nearly pop out of their sockets as they see me shrugging off the wave of fire like nothing.

I form a blast of my own and destroy the makeshift dragon in one attack.

"Wha... What are you?" One of the fallen Moorish asks me, shivering in fear.

"I'm the Dragonborn, bitch." I answer as I knock him out.

"Oh my god, he defeated the dragon!"

"No frickin' way. That kid's amazing!"

"Didn't you see what that guy did to those robot ads at the gunshow? And the U.S. government? And Damien? We don't stand a chance! I'm out!" The latter was mainly Kenny but they don't have to know that. The Moorish get the hell out of there as I use my scepter to move the "lava" blocking the door to Cartman's house.

Kyle, Butters, and Craig throw out the same compliments as in canon but with "necromancer" instead of "king". That was a nice power trip and all but I have a game to play and it's not Stick of Truth.