How to Survive South Park

The Fake's Finale

?????'s POV:

It's funny how us Reds have a knack for turning evil.

We're pretty, we're popular, we tend to get jealous and possessive, and we usually become enamored with whatever fictional villains we see.

It isn't nearly as bad as someone like Eric Cartman, but it's definitely noticeable.

And as for me, well... let's flashback a little, shall we?

It's hard to say exactly when everything changed; when my timeline became separated from baseline or canon or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

If I were to guess, I'd say that it was around the time Cthulhu came to town for me.

(A/N: Season 14 Superhero Trilogy)

Seeing what Coon and Friends were doing now as well as the lingering awe for Mysterion made a bunch of other South Parkers want to become superheroes too.

But you can't have a good superhero without a good supervillain to face them, right?

Unfortunately, Butters (and occasionally Cartman) took up the villain slot already. The blond got to all the resources first and acquired all the potential mooks way before I even began thinking of doing something similar.

And like hell I was going to become a fucking Chaos Minion. Just another background character in their games and in life in general.

I was popular, yeah, but when it came to what actually mattered... the adventures, the craziness our town has, the actual story, I was just another face in the crowd.

I wanted to be more than that.

So I ended up becoming another hero. Wendy became Call Girl much earlier than baseline and several other girls like Bebe, Heidi, Annie, and Nichole were already creating their costumes, so I just joined in too.

Only issue was I had no fucking idea what kind of superhero I wanted to be; mainly because I don't really give a shit about superheroes.

I also don't have any superpowers.

At least I thought I didn't, but I'll get back to that little detail later.

So I had no superhuman stats to work with, which sucked, but there was a good enough alternative to give me an extra edge over your average joe shmoe.

Technology.

Yeah, Tolkien or Token or whatever the fuck he goes by kinda does that with his Tupperware persona already, but I could get a little creative with concept to avoid being just a worse copy of him.

I ended up taking inspiration from guys like Falcon and Vulture to become Carbine Hawk.

No, I could not come up with a better name.

Neither could my (at the time) boyfriend, Kevin, who also went with the technology route to become KevBorg.

Believe it or not, the names and costumes of most other superhero newcomers were somehow even worse than those. But this isn't about them.

It wasn't about me either. Cartman and his posse once again hogged the spotlight like they always do.

They're always the ones in the middle of everything. All the excitement and danger. Why couldn't others have that? Not all of us background characters hate it like Craig does.

Even now, with how many superheroes there were in South Park, I was still just another head in the crowd. Missions with them would always be like:

"Alright, so Annie, Clyde, Red, Kevin, and Bebe will handle minor task number 4 while Kyle, Kenny, fatass, and I deal with the main threat like always."