How to Survive South Park

Phone Destroyer vs Power Leveler

"Well hello there, Phone Destroyer." My voice echoes around the block as I step out of the portal, interrupting the South Parkers' latest little game.

New Kid stares me down while the other kids and every card they've played so far become as mute as he is.

This is gonna be fun...

Now from what T.K. got out of the Time Patrol's database, most New Kids or Dovahkiins start their journey with what I like to call 'Hell Week: South Park Edition' where SOT and TFBW happen one after another in the span of 7 days (SOT = 3 days, TFBW = 4 days; do the math).

Turns out the majority of New Kid timelines do, in fact, have those two games back to back with my original timeline being in the minority. I blame Morgan Freeman for that.

From the sample of data I've gathered using T.K. and the Time Patrol (and a bit of statistics shit), the chances of a timeline having SOT and TFBW happen on their release dates in my own reality (aka: several years apart) instead of on the same week are about 1 in 10. I suppose I got lucky in that regard as I was pushed to my limits during the first three days alone.

Timmy and Kenny could have most likely dealt with Cartman if that happened, but I would rather not take any chances.

As for the other potential beginnings for New Kid's journey, the majority don't start in South Park. There are some where they join the fandom La Resistance crew (Trent, Gregory, and The Mole), others where he remains in or is taken by the government before their parents move to South Park (picture Captain America as an online influencer), and even a few where the kid flat out dies for one reason or another.

Anyway, a little while after TFBW ends signals the start of the newest game (that I know of, anyway), Phone Destroyer, where New Kid kicks ass in a plethora of different versus games while developing a phone addiction.

You probably know the drill by now. What could I gain from fucking with this game?

Well, those of you who have played are probably aware of the numerous abilities the 'cards' used have. I'm not referring to the South Parkers themselves as their costumes are clearly cosplay but rather, the abilities that come with the cards.

What I'm talking about are things like Warcry, Charged, Aura, Headhunter, Enraged, and Deathwish abilities. These abilities grant various advantages to the side that deploys them and practically every card in the game has at least one ability in one of the categories.

Here's a few quick examples using card descriptions:

Gunslinger Kyle: Charged - Kyle's allies and leader get +30 attack for 3 sec

Deckhand Butters: Deathwish - Heals his closest ally or leader

Storyteller Jimmy: Aura - Decrease attack of all nearby enemies

Barrel Dougie: Headhunter - 35 extra damage to enemy leader on first hit

The Master Ninjew: Warcry - +35 attack to all other allies

Classi: Enraged - when at half or less base health, base attack triples

In case it isn't obvious already, charged abilities require a few seconds to charge up after the person/card spawns, deathwish is an ability that triggers when the person/card dies, aura is an ability that affects certain people nearby, headhunter is an ability that focuses on the enemy leader (New Kid or boss for a level), enraged is an ability that triggers when the card is at a certain percentage of base health (base meaning without boosts), and warcry is an ability deployed as soon as the card spawns in.